Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i think my Facebook friends are starting to think somethings up.. just not the same funny site..

   My new 401k is just a pre-loaded gift card for Olde Country Buffet.. "Pretty smart, going with a buffet-style retirement plan" said my Schwab investment advisor.

   In America, dating for men is a chore, for women it's a choice.

   Your beer goggles say she's a 9, but my BROnoculars say she's a 3.

   I like big chested women. And pirates.

   I'm doing the dance of joy. Which for me is walking to the fridge for another beer and walking back to my recliner. Oh joy!

   Me and all my old pals all reconnected over some beers last night! ...Besides, that AA meeting really made us all thirsty.

   I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.

   Texting 'LOL' is probably the most widespread lie of the 21st century.

   Some relationships are like birthday cakes...Once the 'cake' has been eaten the party is over.

   Whoever says laughter is the best medicine obviously never heard of a great joke while suffering diarrhoea

   Remember back when phones hung on the wall and didn't have caller ID and you'd run as fast as you could to answer it in hopes it was for you? Times sure have changed! Now we can peek at who's calling us and either get excited or pretend we're not home.

   "I LOVE getting up this early!" - Nobody

   Oh, he didn't reply to your text message and it's been 2 minutes? You should probably resend that.

   The labor pain experienced during giving birth is just to compensate  for the menstrual pain missed during the nine months. 

   Just watched a loch ness monster documentary and I finally believe, without a doubt, that I have better teeth than everyone in Scotland.

   My wife said earlier "Your p*nis reminds me of my old super soaker water gun."I said "Why, because its big, powerful and your favourite toy?""No" she replied."Because 6 or 7 pumps and it's all done."

   The only reason that I haven't yelled at anyone yet is because I am reserving my energy for a slapping spree...

   Has anyone seen my jacket? It's white with huge sleeves that make you hug yourself with a cute belt.

   Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.