Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.

   Texting 'LOL' is probably the most widespread lie of the 21st century.

   Some relationships are like birthday cakes...Once the 'cake' has been eaten the party is over.

   Whoever says laughter is the best medicine obviously never heard of a great joke while suffering diarrhoea

   Remember back when phones hung on the wall and didn't have caller ID and you'd run as fast as you could to answer it in hopes it was for you? Times sure have changed! Now we can peek at who's calling us and either get excited or pretend we're not home.

   "I LOVE getting up this early!" - Nobody

   Oh, he didn't reply to your text message and it's been 2 minutes? You should probably resend that.

   The labor pain experienced during giving birth is just to compensate  for the menstrual pain missed during the nine months. 

   Just watched a loch ness monster documentary and I finally believe, without a doubt, that I have better teeth than everyone in Scotland.

   My wife said earlier "Your p*nis reminds me of my old super soaker water gun."I said "Why, because its big, powerful and your favourite toy?""No" she replied."Because 6 or 7 pumps and it's all done."

   The only reason that I haven't yelled at anyone yet is because I am reserving my energy for a slapping spree...

   Has anyone seen my jacket? It's white with huge sleeves that make you hug yourself with a cute belt.

   Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.

   I think hugs are often mistakenly give where a swift kick in the ass would be more appropriate...

   I bet Ke$ha could change her name to 'WhiteTra$ha' and no one would ever know the difference.

   A 100-year-old man ran a full-length marathon today. And then a 40-year-old man sent a tweet about it while eating ice cream on his couch.

   Subscribe to me here on facebook for as low as $1.99 a month! First 100 subscribers get a free 'like' on one of their posts from me.

   Heading to Wal-Mart to put my holiday sweatpants on layaway. Anyone need a BB gun or a bucket full of awesome?

   Two problems with auto-flushing toilets: A) when they flush before you're done. B) when they don't flush & you can't find the button.

   I am more impressed with those who ask good questions than I am with those that have good answers.