Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat

   This Women's Day, the real woman of substance is Maria Sharapova.

   In the Golden Age of America .... Everybody knew which restroom to use.

   I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

   I just burped at the same time my cell phone rang and it sounded like a DubStep song remix!

   Sorry, I value our friendship too much to ever loan you money.

   I'm trying to live healthier......but I'm considering taking up cigars, since they're still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.

   Girls cant find their wallets, shoes or car keys but they sure as hell can remember something you said 8 months ago

   I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

   Grocery Budget Tip: If you don't buy food,, you don't need toilet paper....

   Yesterday, while flying over Germany, the cargo door fell off of Bono’s jet. And somehow, it landed in my iTunes.

   Great men are forged in fire. It is the privilege of lesser men to light the flame.

   Guys: if you take your girl back after she cheats on you, you're a little b*tch.

   What does it make me if I put Nutella on this brown sugar & cinnamon poptart? A genius... The correct answer is genius.

   I have no idea what a Hollaback girl is, but it's the only reason I know how to spell banana

   Every pizza can be a personal pizza if you eat the whole thing

   Teachers: Remember, you can't hit the kids but you can still hit the bottle.

   Some relationships can survive only online.

   I can't believe Razor Companys are making any money.....$40 for 10 blades thet cost $.25 to make???

   Janet Yellen to become first woman head of the Federal Reserve. For her first action she will raise the interest rate to 9.78% but put it on sale for 6.73% to make it a good deal.