Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can't even get your first and last name in order, then no, I will not accept your friend request.

   I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

   Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.

   We do not realize that one day, a guy suddenly had the idea to put a thermometer in the butt of someone. And that person said yes.

   If the lesson outweighs the regret: it was worth it.

   If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..

   It's easy to be the worst person on Facebook. Just begin your response to someone's status update with, "Actually,"

   The party's not over 'till you smile for the mugshot. ;-p

   Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat

   This Women's Day, the real woman of substance is Maria Sharapova.

   In the Golden Age of America .... Everybody knew which restroom to use.

   I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

   I just burped at the same time my cell phone rang and it sounded like a DubStep song remix!

   Sorry, I value our friendship too much to ever loan you money.

   I'm trying to live healthier......but I'm considering taking up cigars, since they're still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.

   Girls cant find their wallets, shoes or car keys but they sure as hell can remember something you said 8 months ago

   I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

   Grocery Budget Tip: If you don't buy food,, you don't need toilet paper....

   Yesterday, while flying over Germany, the cargo door fell off of Bono’s jet. And somehow, it landed in my iTunes.

   Great men are forged in fire. It is the privilege of lesser men to light the flame.