Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When your boss asks why you’re late. Just shrug and say “thug life.” Bosses don’t mess with thug life.

   Miley Cyrus is actually doing a pretty good job distracting all of us from her pretty awful music.

   The year is 2170... All fossil fuels are depleted... Our only source for coal is Santa Claus... Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

   My daughter kicked me out of her imaginary tea party when I asked if she had any vodka.

   Stupid autocorrect always making me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.

   Damn. Facebook has more movies than Netflix.

   Dale Jr won.....there hasnt been this much excitement in the trailer park since number 9's meth lab blew up

   Proverbs 9:8 "do not correct a scoffer, or he will hate you" or in modern words "haters gonna hate"

   Don't think of them as gingers. Think of them as sweet potato people.

   My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.

   Reverse cowgirl, so you don't have to see her disappointment.

   Absolutely no one can text faster than a pissed off woman.

   Union electicians are working the superbowl power outage, the game will resume in 3 weeks.

   *REMEMBER ...Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

   My wife gets really annoyed when I make sexual requests. The other night, I asked her if we could try the 'praying mantis' position and she tore my head off

   Every so often I'll bring my wife and kids out in public just so people understand why I drink.

   Do these yoga pants make your d*ck look hard??

   Chick-fil-a has been taking alot of heat for it's stance against Same Sex Marriage! To show they are progreesing with trhe times,they I'll be releasing a new food item today. The ''Chick on Chick'' Sandwich!

   laughing at all the lovey dovey posts today from the same people who were so miserable in the exact same relationships that they felt it news worthy enough to post how miserable, unhappy and thoroughly disgusted they were with that exact same person