Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here is my panic room. Over there is my slightly anxious room, and next to the foyer is my complete mental breakdown room.

   some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can't even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

   "You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet." - If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

   MB. If you're keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you're losing...

   Ecigs are like silent farts.. we still know you are doing it.

   I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

   Eli to Peyton " I won the two I played in.........just sayin"

   Side chicks are always more excited about Valentine's Day than everyone else because for them, its as close as they will ever get to a wedding.

   When my daughter grows up, I'm going to start reading her Facebook status's before bedtime. Just so she understands the importance of staying in school!

   Wonder if we are getting annoying with all the breaking dawn craziness. Don't complain Guys! You all were annoying talking bout MW3  

   A Game? I don't know. . . Skyrim sounds like something you pay a hooker extra for.

   Welcome to High School. Pick 2- Good Grades, Enough Sleep, or a Social Life

   "I bet you're told this all the time" means you are about to hear something you've never heard and it's probably going to sting a little.

   batteries go dead in the t.v remote, take every toy in your childs room apart to find AA's.

   I need to quit time-traveling whilst drunk! I can't remember what I did tomorrow.

   Flinging poo at a monkey in the zoo will get you kicked out, even if the monkey started it.

   Facebook is giving 'poke suggestions' now? Instead of telling me who to poke they should warn me about who NOT to poke.

   Free samples shouldn't be limited to grocery stores...How can I be sure this Fifth of Scotch is worth the $10 without a quick chug?!?

   in an ideal world, olivia wilde is googling for pictures of me naked

   If you feel like the world is passing you by, you must be obeying the speed limit.