Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   John McCain's next campaign should be sponsored by Full Tilt Poker.

   Why do hot girls perish by ugly girls?

   The only thing I remember about being born was getting circumsised. It hurt so bad I couldn't walk for a year.

   It's like Batman didn't even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.

   Has anyone found my black box yet? I'm kinda curious to see where it all went wrong?

   can we PLEASE stop using the term “beast mode”? Unless you’re running around jungle, naked, stalking and killing animals with your bare hands and eating them raw, you’re NOT a beast, you’re just another douchebag lifting weights in the gym…tha

   It's like my bank account doesn't understand me.

   Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.

   Okay Facebook can we have one special button that prevents anyone from inviting me to their event. Judging by the amount of time I spend on FB, you should know by now I am not an event kinda guy.

   En Vogue was so right. I'm never gonna get it.

   It is what it is and that's all that it is...excet when it isn't, then it's not.

   Dear ex, remember those I love you more fights?? I won..

   I love how the best things in life are unexpected

   The easiest way to confuse a woman is to give her a choice.

   I don't like to boast,, So I don't....... I'm probably the best at not boasting,, Actually... The very best.

   Hey evolution, how about a second liver?

   I think I'm falling in tolerate with you.

   Perhaps the greatest fashion revolution was moving the pads from the shoulder to the bras

   The five second rule also applies to wearing sunglasses indoors.

   My healthcare policy basically only covers taking off my shoe to twist my sock around a little bit so the seam isn't right under my toe