Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Need a distraction today? Not only does 11+2=12+1, but also when you rearrange the letters in "eleven plus two," you get "twelve plus one." How many letters in each phrase? Thirteen.

   The closest that I've gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop

   Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.

   Me and my friends were once in a band called 'Pubic Hair.' We were big in the 70's.

   Dear sluts, This might come as a surprise to you, but your boobs go inside your shirt. Just kidding, show me your tiitties

   Beyonce might be hot but underneath all thatt hair there will always be a little rubber band ball of nap.

   I don't think I could ever stab someone. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun.

   's sister asked if the dress she was wearing made her ass look big... I told her No!....it was all the crap she ate that made it look big

   Common divorce : $10,000-$30,000, Box of 22 shells $7.28, You do the math...

   My Nephew asked me about getting women .I said it helps if you are quite big down there and that maybe he should shove a cucumber down his pants.He came back to me and said all the girls laughed at him,Maybe I should have told him to put it in the front.

   - Why pay for a comedian, when you can watch liverpool play football

   Canada sure has some "NICE BEAVER"

   Recently, my Visa card was stolen. Now, it's 'everywhere I want to be'.

   I hate it when I run out of Staples. And so do their security guards.

   I dont trust pregnant people. I have a feeling they're hiding something....

   I don’t judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender…I base it on whether or not they’re an as$hole.

   I can't wait until tomorrow when all the Martin Luther King, Jr. candy is 75% off.

   Giving me a Christmas ornament as a Christmas gift is like bringing vitamins to my funeral.

   I love the way my abs look... in the morning... when I suck in my stomach... and turn to the side... while squinting... and the lights are turned off.

   When God closes a door, he opens a window. My heating bill is out of control and there's a family of raccoons living in my kitchen. Please God, this needs to stop.