Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever swallow something potentially life-threatening and I need to induce vomiting, I hope you're around to make it easier.

   I look in a mirror and wonder what became of the eager, wide-eyed boy with the world in front of him, then figure by the size of me I ate him.

   Who do you suppose was the first person to ever kick butt and think, "Hey, I know, I'm gonna start taking down some names too."

   I'm thinking of dropping the whole "I'm from the street/thug life" persona.

   Men in black 3? How about the fresh prince of bel-air season 7?

   Uh, excuse me, Mr. Swagger, Either walk a little faster or buy a belt. Thanks, homie.

   Think maybe its time to diet, I just had to cut my hula hoop off

   I threatened a man with a knife today. Don't know why, he could have stabbed me.

   April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.

   I love it when Facebook flirting turns into tearing each other's clothes off and passionate sex.

   Women drivers are like stars in the sky. You can see them, but they can't see you.

   Remember, nothing you do will be remembered.

   Worst thing about strip clubs is the women totally hog the poles. Maybe I'm really good! At least give me a turn.

   If people hate you for no reason, give them one.

   keeping herself busy with coffee until it's time to get DRUNK :)

   Waking up to a "damn you" text message instead of a “good morning” one is surprisingly not that bad.

   I can't express my level of disappointment when I'm scrolling and see "Robin Hood:" and it's "Prince of Thieves" and not "Men In Tights"

   Women may not hit harder, but we hit lower.

   What a shock! Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're husband alive again, leave $100,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Darby Street". Seriously, does no one know the difference between 'your' and 'you're' anymore?

   If I had an imaginary girlfriend, I would be smart and never let her die.