Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

   I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.

   You know those nights when you just can't fall asleep? Maybe it's because you're awake in someone else's dream.

   It's amazing the places I will wander to in my house while I talk on the phone.

   Whenever I see someone calling my phone, I wait and see if they will call 10 times, if they don't, it probably wasn't that important

   parents dont need energy drinks...they already have monsters that keep them awake all day

   Ever have that moment when you try to flick a booger and it teleports on to your other finger?

   I hear teaching Geography is where it is at these days!

   It's just as well money can't buy happiness. With prices what they are today, who could afford it anyway?

   If I ever swallow something potentially life-threatening and I need to induce vomiting, I hope you're around to make it easier.

   I look in a mirror and wonder what became of the eager, wide-eyed boy with the world in front of him, then figure by the size of me I ate him.

   Who do you suppose was the first person to ever kick butt and think, "Hey, I know, I'm gonna start taking down some names too."

   I'm thinking of dropping the whole "I'm from the street/thug life" persona.

   Men in black 3? How about the fresh prince of bel-air season 7?

   Uh, excuse me, Mr. Swagger, Either walk a little faster or buy a belt. Thanks, homie.

   Think maybe its time to diet, I just had to cut my hula hoop off

   I threatened a man with a knife today. Don't know why, he could have stabbed me.

   April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.

   I love it when Facebook flirting turns into tearing each other's clothes off and passionate sex.

   Women drivers are like stars in the sky. You can see them, but they can't see you.