Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The thermostat outside ran out of numbers and is just showing a picture of Halle Berry. THAT'S how hot it is outside.

   If Voldemort is such a powerful wizard, why can't he conjure up a new nose?

   I wonder what happened to that guy from the 90's who sang that song about barely breathing. I hope he's OK!

   Oprah's LAST LIVE show is happening tonight at the United Center. Rumors have it that amongst giving away Lake Michigan or a house right next to Mt. Rushmore's presidents, she might just be giving away another presidency!

   George Michael is dead. hell. You thought 2016 couldn't get any worse and then WHAM.

   So let me get this straight, Not releasing a 20,000 page tax return and saying questionable words .... Is more of a Threat to America than Being corrupt, Compromising National Security, And taking bribes from foreign powers.

   Kids, let me tell you about this one time when Miley Cyrus twerked and the government temporarily shut down to recover from the trauma.

   Can you fall in love through a rifle scope?

   Orgy was going well until I realized it was an intervention

   Bought $90 worth of groceries and checker wanted to know if I needed a bag:( No, I'll just eat them here, thanks!

   Today is the 25th birthday of the World Wide Web. What the hell did people do 26 years ago??

   My bologna had a first name, but his adoptive parents changed it. If you're reading this, Oscar, just know: not a day goes by I don't think of you.

   What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

   I don't know if they give awards for commercials, but that ad with Kate Upton riding a horse should win all of them.

   There have been more sharknadoes under President Obama than any other President...

   Seriously, who the hell goes to North Korea and expect to have a good time there?

   Once upon a time a man was told to go f#ck himself and he lived happily everafter. . .

   Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

   Can't help but laugh at you when you have confederate flag on the back of your honda with a Connecticut license plate.

   Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in awhile,nine out of ten people would have nothing to talk about.