Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bought $90 worth of groceries and checker wanted to know if I needed a bag:( No, I'll just eat them here, thanks!

   Today is the 25th birthday of the World Wide Web. What the hell did people do 26 years ago??

   My bologna had a first name, but his adoptive parents changed it. If you're reading this, Oscar, just know: not a day goes by I don't think of you.

   What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

   I don't know if they give awards for commercials, but that ad with Kate Upton riding a horse should win all of them.

   There have been more sharknadoes under President Obama than any other President...

   Seriously, who the hell goes to North Korea and expect to have a good time there?

   Once upon a time a man was told to go f#ck himself and he lived happily everafter. . .

   Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

   Can't help but laugh at you when you have confederate flag on the back of your honda with a Connecticut license plate.

   Sex is like Chinese food. 2 hours later, you want more.,

   Hooters needs to change its logo, all these years I thought I was eating owl wings.

   Few women admit their age; few men act it.....

   Warning: going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night does not prevent Monday. There is no cure.

   I don't understand the concept of a Freudian slip. It doesn't make any sex to me at all.

   waiting for everyone else to post their birthday message on my buddy's wall so I can cut and paste the one I like best.

   Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?

   Well someone has to be sober.......NOT IT!

   Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in awhile,nine out of ten people would have nothing to talk about.

   dont get married just find a woman you hate and buy her a house