Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'm extremely popular on Facebook" - Guy sitting alone at the bar

   I still want to walk away in slo-mo from a cool-looking explosion one day, but running away from a clogged toilet will have to do for now.

   "I hate cats." - Curiosity

   Okay, technology is getting out of hand for me. I was looking through a pair binochulars this morning and when I finished I looked for the button to turn them off.

   Pluto was rejected from the planet category because of its crooked orbit; even our solar system kicks the stumbling drunk guy out of the party."

   Your eyes are red,the beer is green don't party too hard,your not Charlie Sheen!

   Billy Ray Cyrus has called off his divorce. Apparently he didn't want to give away half of everything he owns. Which is pretty much whatever Miley is paying him.

   Facebook should change ” It's complicated ” to ” It's confusing & stressful. “

   The epicenter of the quake has been pin-pointed to a graveyard outside of DC, where all of our Founding Fathers had rolled over in their graves.

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.

   I wanna give a minute to thank GOD for me being born in the era with A/C.

   The thermostat outside ran out of numbers and is just showing a picture of Halle Berry. THAT'S how hot it is outside.

   If Voldemort is such a powerful wizard, why can't he conjure up a new nose?

   I wonder what happened to that guy from the 90's who sang that song about barely breathing. I hope he's OK!

   Oprah's LAST LIVE show is happening tonight at the United Center. Rumors have it that amongst giving away Lake Michigan or a house right next to Mt. Rushmore's presidents, she might just be giving away another presidency!

   George Michael is dead. hell. You thought 2016 couldn't get any worse and then WHAM.

   So let me get this straight, Not releasing a 20,000 page tax return and saying questionable words .... Is more of a Threat to America than Being corrupt, Compromising National Security, And taking bribes from foreign powers.

   Kids, let me tell you about this one time when Miley Cyrus twerked and the government temporarily shut down to recover from the trauma.

   Can you fall in love through a rifle scope?

   Orgy was going well until I realized it was an intervention