Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got a fresh loaf of bread now I'm ready for my new years toast.

   As a parent, I find myself using the same cliches my parents did.... for example, "Wimp! It's only Everclear!"

   I'm proud of every woman I've ever had sex with. I don't regret any of you.

   Rudolph is the only reindeer who doesn't have a stripper name.

   I miss the days when Disney produced cartoons instead of teen floozies.

   FYI - If any kids are interested in harassing me on a school bus, or anywhere else for that matter..... I am available. I could use a nice $500,000 long vacation. I'm just saying

   I still remember that moment I said I love you too, coz thats the exact moment my life got fuçked up!

   I broke up with my girlfriend today, she asked me if its really over. I told her it couldn't be more over if she started singing.

   My ex-girlfriend sent me a message last night saying "I'm at a major c0ckfest". I guess this is her way of making me jealous, jokes on her I don't even like c0ck.

   "I'm extremely popular on Facebook" - Guy sitting alone at the bar

   I still want to walk away in slo-mo from a cool-looking explosion one day, but running away from a clogged toilet will have to do for now.

   "I hate cats." - Curiosity

   Okay, technology is getting out of hand for me. I was looking through a pair binochulars this morning and when I finished I looked for the button to turn them off.

   Pluto was rejected from the planet category because of its crooked orbit; even our solar system kicks the stumbling drunk guy out of the party."

   Your eyes are red,the beer is green don't party too hard,your not Charlie Sheen!

   Billy Ray Cyrus has called off his divorce. Apparently he didn't want to give away half of everything he owns. Which is pretty much whatever Miley is paying him.

   Facebook should change ” It's complicated ” to ” It's confusing & stressful. “

   The epicenter of the quake has been pin-pointed to a graveyard outside of DC, where all of our Founding Fathers had rolled over in their graves.

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.

   I wanna give a minute to thank GOD for me being born in the era with A/C.