Funny Status Messages

   According to astronomy, whenever you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your dreams.

   Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.

   The media is a weapon of mass destruction....

   Dear teeth whiteners. .. you have a set of teeth on the bottom too.. you're like the guys at the gym that don't do legs..

   Bill Clinton has been acting funny ever since Michael Douglas made that oral sex comment.

   The day Bruce Jenner finally snaps and locks his entire family in his Escalade and pushes it into his swimming pool just got one stupid baby name closer.

   Just once, I'd like to see Punxsutawney Phil open a can of whoop-ass on the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.

   Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

   Don't forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

   When attacked by a bear, play dead. Make his meal less stressful. It's not all about you.

   can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I'm still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.

   According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

   Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.

   Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I cannot fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.

   Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

   What if we CAN breathe in space and they just don't want us to escape?

   FACEBOOK is the second most popular word that starts with "F" and ends with "K" ; )

   Kids complaining they didn't get an iPhone for Christmas or got one in the wrong color is exactly why other countries hate us.

   If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I just hope they split us up by the music genre.

   ~• << Picture of me when I was younger.