Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm great in bed, I can sleep for days!

   I would say that one day you'll be working for me, but I don't have any intention on running a strip club.

   According to research, sex during pregnancy is always safe, unless your wife comes home and catches you.

   OSHA. Article 260.17 States: All Turds over 6" Long shall be Hand lowered to prevent Chemical Splashback. ......On the Door of a Port-O-John.. LMAO!

   Forget flying cars... I want Futurama's complex system of air tubes that take us everywhere....Weeeee !

   I get carried away sometimes... Usually because I refuse to leave.

   People who complain about the way the ball bounces probably dropped it.

   Men do what they want and skip the rest. They're straightforward. If he doesn't call, he doesn't want to talk. If he calls, he's horny.

   Never judge a book by it's cover. The old, wrinkly ones are often the best.

   the glass half full or half empty? Mine is cracked and leaking valuable water.

   So Mr. Camping, I guess the end of the world does not occur during Eastern Standard time. What time zone is it supposed to occur in?

   All answers questioned here.

   75% of my regrets involve hitting the "Send" button

   You would think that the 4 page instructions/warnning packet for Adderall, would include narritive pictures.

   Occupy Chicago protesters were rained with McDonald's applications today. I don't know about you but that is hilarious.

   If I've given you my time & an opportunity & you squandered both, don't question why I'm not in your bed tonight.

   I'm still wondering why people were so uptight about that meteor that nearly hit earth a few days ago....It seems to me we are perfectly capable of destroying ourselves without any assistance from an asteroid!

   Finally changed my mood on MySpace to "ninja" but nobody saw me do it.

   Don't worry there are plenty other fish in the sea. None as attractive as the one that just dumped you but plenty other fish!

   starting the diet on monday or when walgreens runs out of maked down christmas candy