Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried to flash an oncoming driver to warn him of a cop but I think it was too dark for him to see my A**

   thinks one trip to Wal Mart may cause an intelligent person to start questioning the theory of evolution.

   my new excuse for leaving the bar early on a Saturday NIght: "I gotta Preach tomorrow."

   I would spend more time outside, but it's not as hi-def as my TV.

   Turning the music up does NOT cover up a fart... No matter what song is on!

   Don't interfere with anything in the Constitution. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties. Abraham Lincoln

   Remember children; A book commits suicide every time you watch Jersey Shore.

   Here's your motivational speech... YOU SUCK. Change this.

   Last night my neighbors kept me up with the headboard banging. I finally yelled "The guy last night made her scream louder" That shut em up 

   ahhh..st. patricks day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!

   My girlfriend's phone space button is broken and she text me phonebrokenIwantanalternate I'm excited, but what is a ternate?

   If you don't enjoy scaring dogs by talking through a cardboard wrapping paper tube, don't bother stopping by my house on Christmas morning.

   I saw a couple of signs that read "END ROAD WORK". Now I'm all for a good protest, but I just can't get aboard with this one.

   I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

   Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Well everyone except you! (You know who you are).

   Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn't leave something that can be traced back to you

   Got a copy of The Christmas Story today...I was surprised they edited the DVD down to 96 minutes...I always enjoyed the 24 hour version of the movie

   It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Guys, do your part to make sure that cancer doesn't steal second base.

   Sooo.. In between Mundane Monday.. And Whip'em Out Wednesday.. I now proclaim today as.."Touch ur Toes Tuesday!" Because people are just so eager to F*ck you every chance they can get!

   A Happy Meal without a toy should be called a Sad Meal.