Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ahhh..st. patricks day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!

   My girlfriend's phone space button is broken and she text me phonebrokenIwantanalternate I'm excited, but what is a ternate?

   If you don't enjoy scaring dogs by talking through a cardboard wrapping paper tube, don't bother stopping by my house on Christmas morning.

   I saw a couple of signs that read "END ROAD WORK". Now I'm all for a good protest, but I just can't get aboard with this one.

   I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

   Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Well everyone except you! (You know who you are).

   Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn't leave something that can be traced back to you

   Got a copy of The Christmas Story today...I was surprised they edited the DVD down to 96 minutes...I always enjoyed the 24 hour version of the movie

   It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Guys, do your part to make sure that cancer doesn't steal second base.

   Sooo.. In between Mundane Monday.. And Whip'em Out Wednesday.. I now proclaim today as.."Touch ur Toes Tuesday!" Because people are just so eager to F*ck you every chance they can get!

   A Happy Meal without a toy should be called a Sad Meal.

   Ugh, this girl who woke up in my bed is SO needy. She's all "Who are you?" "What'd you put in my drink?"

   I need a BAD GIRL with good INTENTIONS

   There's a new unit of measure which measures 72 days - a Kardash.

   If there is one thing I learn from every mistake is I'll never get caught that way again.

   I'm placing myself in "time-out" until I'm able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!

   Dear Ladies: Wear more confidence than makeup.

   Your beauty is so rare, no one can find it.

   Remember when Disney used to produce cartoons, not teen sluts?

   Thought of something brilliant? Just google it, and you will soon realize how uncreative you really are.