Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is pure snow! Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?

   Christmas is the time of year when we want our pasts forgotten and our presents remembered!

   It's been reported that an 8 year-old boy from New Jersey is on the government's Airport Watch List because he has the same name as a possible terrorist. So it's been a pretty bad week for little Skippy bin Laden.

   If you notice this notice,you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing

   a police officer states"I'm never gonna say "come here" to a convicted porn-star again"

   My second favourite household chore is laundry. My first favourite is being hit in the head repeatedly by the ceiling fan blades until I faint.

   true friends stab you in the front.

   It doesn't matter if you win or lose until you lose

   There's nothing like a visit from an out of town friend to point out how little I actually know about the city I live in.

   never forget the 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

   Far too many people spend their lives reading the menu instead of enjoying the banquet.

   so I go to walmart and see two problems, 1. they have a justin bieber doll and 2. you press his crotch to hear him sing...

   I gotta admit, I got a lil excited when I heard they're remaking Total Recall, this time with Colin Farrell. I was wondering who they'd get to play the 3 breasted mutant prostitute ... then it hit me ... SNOOKI would be perfect!

   I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.

   Wonders how do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

   why do people think it's necessary to pose with alcohol in facebook pictures??? It was original the first dozen times.

   Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

   ' It won't be long now,' said the rabbi as he circumcised the little boy.'

   so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

   There's only one perfect child in the world; and every mother has it! Happy Mother's Day