Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them stuff in person.

   If your parents don't have children. Chances are you won't either.

   The 3 C's of life; Choice, Chance, Change. You must make the Choice to take the Chance if you want anything to Change.

   Baby, you are my number one, even my number two knows that.

   People who dream big sleep a lot.

   Have you heard about that new film about the tractor? I only saw the trailer

   Oprah needs to admit she's a lesbian trapped in a fat mans body

   The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

   After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

   Hey,,,,Can any of you people possibly recommend 30 or 40 books on hoarding?

   I really wish I knew why my real parents sent me to Earth without my superpowers.

   Time to buy groceries. More food in a crack house than around here!

   "Dr. Oz" sounds like the guy you'd buy shrooms from in community college.

   You can tell whether or not your relationship is going to last by simply watching her eat a Popsicle.

   Never trust a woman with smelly armpits.

   Gotta hand it to midgets sometimes. You know, cause they can't reach and all.

   Ladies: Can we have more head and less headaches please!!

   When your favorite song comes on and you excitedly say "Yo this is my jam!" You should know, I die a little bit inside for knowing you.

   Living on Earth may be expensive...but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun :)~

   A Tibetian Mastiff was sold in China for 600,000 dollars. You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.