Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", think of another song you like and hum that instead......

   putting the pro into procrastination

   Any Woman that keeps her Kid from they Father is a Dead Beat mother too!!!

   To summarize: Blah blah blah, bad Congress, blah blah blah, bad Congress, blah blah blah...

   My mate is having a birthday soon. He doesn't drink,smoke or cheat on his girlfriend. I dont know how the hell we're going to celebrate it!

   in 2013 i'm gonna watch 2012 and laugh

   Okay, Mitt Romney you are worth 250 million, I have $25.42 in my account. You asking for donations make me question if you really have a grasp on this economics thing you claim to know so much about.

   Them: Did you adopt your cat? Me: No, it’s my biological cat.

   figured out that plastic surgery allows women to make their outer appearance resemble their inner appearance -- fake.

   wife hinted she wanted something shiny that could do 0 - 150 in 3 seconds for her birthday... So he bought her some bathroom scales

   If you mess with me i'll be on you like Rice on wife.

   Casey might not be guilty right now, but just wait till she meets God

   Q: What do you call a Steelers fan holding a bottle of champagne after the Super Bowl? A: Waiter.

   take today to remember those that died in the St. Valentine's Day Massacre in 1929.

   Never trust a gut feeling on an empty stomach.

   Sorry ladies but there is more to it than getting naked and saying, "Come get it daddy"

   There's a fine line between mandatory overtime shifts and a hostage situation.

   When you're stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate, and sweets. Why? Because STRESSED spelled backwards spells DESSERTS. ;)

   We do it on the bed,on the kitchen counter,on the floor and in the backseat of a car.Gosh...we text EVERYWHERE!

   Don't blame Congressman Weiner. He was hacked by his evil twin Oscar Meyer.....