Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I AM THE BOSS OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY G.........hang on gotta go , I think I hear my wife coming 
Running away from your problems is a race you'll never win.
Someday we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Math teacher: I have 5 bottles in one hand, and 6 in the other. What do I have? Student: A drinking problem?
"I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions of Use" should be called, "I didn't read the Terms and Conditions of Use but I want to access this sh*t!
Our relationship was like the Fourth of July. It started with fireworks but was over by the end of the night.
Just clicked a link that promised to show, "the world's largest breasts."... It was just a picture of Michael Moore taking his shirt off.
Don't worry, they'll probably get Casey Anthony when she tries to steal back her sports memorabilia...
I think I had too much to drink last night because I left the door open the whole time I was peeing. That might not sound bad, but when you're driving 65 mph, it can cause all kinds of problems.
Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", think of another song you like and hum that instead......
putting the pro into procrastination
Any Woman that keeps her Kid from they Father is a Dead Beat mother too!!!
To summarize: Blah blah blah, bad Congress, blah blah blah, bad Congress, blah blah blah...
My mate is having a birthday soon. He doesn't drink,smoke or cheat on his girlfriend. I dont know how the hell we're going to celebrate it!
in 2013 i'm gonna watch 2012 and laugh
Okay, Mitt Romney you are worth 250 million, I have $25.42 in my account. You asking for donations make me question if you really have a grasp on this economics thing you claim to know so much about.
Them: Did you adopt your cat? Me: No, it’s my biological cat.
figured out that plastic surgery allows women to make their outer appearance resemble their inner appearance -- fake.
wife hinted she wanted something shiny that could do 0 - 150 in 3 seconds for her birthday... So he bought her some bathroom scales
If you mess with me i'll be on you like Rice on wife. 