Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever just apologize for no reason whatsoever? No? It must be nice being single.

   does this hybrid make me look gay??

   In a survival situation you can drink your own urine. Fortunately my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the bottle and I didn't need to.

   Kris Humphries of the Nets signed a 2yr $24 Million Dollar contract! Not bad considering the Nets are owned by Jay-Z, who's bestfriend is Kanye West, who is banging Humphries ex-wife!!!

   I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass

   Shockingly Pitbull's first name isn't Feat.

   There are 3 types of females in this world. There are ladies you introduce to your mother, there are women you introduce to your friends and there are girls you show the door to

   Well, it's looks like a, 'brush my teeth on my shirt sleeve and head to Walmart' kinda day ツ

   To any of you sick guys out there thinking about catfishing me, I'm terrible at texting back and scared of commitment so please just move along.

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can’t see that it says: “This one had insurance. Don’t kill him.”

   Snookie should have named her son Oscar because he spent 9 months living in a garbage can.

   Don't ever question my loyalty because you'll scare it away forever.

   IKEA now designs temporary houses for refugees which is weird because I thought they already did that.

   No officer the joke's on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.

   Strangers have the best candy!

   was blinded by your beauty, so I am gonna need your name and number for insurance purposes...

   A baseball fan is a spectator sitting 500 feet from home plate who can see better than an umpire standing five feet away

   I joined the Tourettes society today. It only took a minute to be sworn in.

   I always feel uneasy when Friday the 13th falls on a Monday.

   kayaking....makes me wet