Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet Floyd Mayweather paid the judges

   Most kids are taught the normal 'Birds and the Bee's'! Not me I was traumatized! My father explained it to me by showing me a male and female outlet. To this day everytime I plug something in I get all worked up And dont let even show me an extension cord

   Women are like convertibles. They're a lot more fun when the top's down.

   When a woman cooks you dinner you're either going to get laid or poisoned.

   Kill your haters with kindness. Gift wrap explosives.

   Okay, I'm lost... Can someone please lend me Facebook: Seasons 1 and 2 ???

   Facing your problems is like facing a bull...either take them by the horns, or run like hell.

   Chinese hackers are breaking into fortune cookie printers and changing the lucky numbers to unlucky ones

   Lazy rule number 43: can't reach it, don't need it.

   I see all these women outside in short skirts. If they don't catch frostbite, they'll definitely catch an STD

   In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.

   Doctor Oz: When a woman goes for too long without sex, she loses feelings in her clitoris. You heard the good doctor ladies...

   What I expect to see when I pull back the shower curtain: 99% Murderer waiting to kill me. 1% Empty shower

   I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental butt dial like I'm in an FBI van.

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Depends on how drunk I am.

   I'm not going to lie to you. There's a good chance that at some point, I will probably try to do you. That's just how I roll.

   This beer tastes like I'm not waking up until the afternoon.

   Everytime a toilet overflows a flushed fish gets its revenge.

   Went to Starbucks this morning ordered coffee and told them my name was Trump. When my coffee was ready they started yelling my name. 4 out 5 people in the store started crying. It was hilarious....!!!

   It's protesting when civil rights are violated. Protesting for not getting your way is called whining.