Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see all these women outside in short skirts. If they don't catch frostbite, they'll definitely catch an STD

   In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.

   Doctor Oz: When a woman goes for too long without sex, she loses feelings in her clitoris. You heard the good doctor ladies...

   What I expect to see when I pull back the shower curtain: 99% Murderer waiting to kill me. 1% Empty shower

   I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental butt dial like I'm in an FBI van.

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Depends on how drunk I am.

   I'm not going to lie to you. There's a good chance that at some point, I will probably try to do you. That's just how I roll.

   This beer tastes like I'm not waking up until the afternoon.

   Everytime a toilet overflows a flushed fish gets its revenge.

   Went to Starbucks this morning ordered coffee and told them my name was Trump. When my coffee was ready they started yelling my name. 4 out 5 people in the store started crying. It was hilarious....!!!

   It's protesting when civil rights are violated. Protesting for not getting your way is called whining.

   WOW ... It was actually easy to go to Home Depot today.

   If Hunter Biden's name was Hunter Trump, the media would be killing him right now...

   If you cant afford a kid, then shut your legs.

   Can't afford a Carnival Cruise? just camp out next to a Port-a-Potty.

   When people don't know what's going on in your life they SPECULATE....When they think they know...they FABRICATE...AND when they do know.......they just HATE

   A horse walks into a bar. A chicken crosses the road. A lot of animals do things. It is not our place to judge.

   Fun activity of the day, making DJ scraching sounds with my hoodie zipper!

   The only difference between sanity and insanity is someone else's opinion.

   Tell a woman she has cute kids and she's all proud. Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.