Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor complained I was playing Bruce Hornsby too loud. I told him, That's just the way it is.

   When a guy catches me naked in bed with his wife I just pretend I'm from the future. And ask for his clothes, his boots and his motorcycle.

   Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.

   I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to.

   You can never read a doctor's prescription, but you can sure read his bill

   Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

   I don't know if It's considerate or Ironic that McDonald's wraps their hamburgers in toilet paper

   Sometimes I feel like you guys are only my friends for my statuses

   Music now a days sucks....Jim Morrison, dead; Kurt Cobain, dead; Biggie, dead; Justin Beiber, healthy as a god damn mule!

   Feminists are giving Kellyanne a hard time about not sitting "ladylike" on the couch. These are the same women who dressed up like va-jayjays and went on a march.

   Girls who pretend to act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a brick

   I'm sorry, but your job opportunities are limited here in light of the tattoos on your face and neck. How are you at handling a spatula? ツ

   Pot is not a gateway drug that leads to harder drugs. It's more of a drive thru drug that leads to burgers and fried chicken.

   Iron Man is a super hero. Iron Woman is a command.

   New condom slogan...."Wrap it in latex or give her your paychex."

   Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".

   Last night I think Count Dracula was following me or possibly just a guy in a vampire halloween costume either way, the wooden stake worked!

   I'm eating a bowl of generic frosted flakes. THEY'RRRRRRRRRE ok, I guess.

   Happy Humpday ...........hump like a camel and get down and dirty like frog nuts!

   Why do women do such silly things sometimes, like trying to turn a one night stand into an engagement?