Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Feminists are giving Kellyanne a hard time about not sitting "ladylike" on the couch. These are the same women who dressed up like va-jayjays and went on a march.

   Girls who pretend to act stupid because they think it's cute need to be slapped in the face with a brick

   I'm sorry, but your job opportunities are limited here in light of the tattoos on your face and neck. How are you at handling a spatula? ツ

   Pot is not a gateway drug that leads to harder drugs. It's more of a drive thru drug that leads to burgers and fried chicken.

   Iron Man is a super hero. Iron Woman is a command.

   New condom slogan...."Wrap it in latex or give her your paychex."

   Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".

   Last night I think Count Dracula was following me or possibly just a guy in a vampire halloween costume either way, the wooden stake worked!

   I'm eating a bowl of generic frosted flakes. THEY'RRRRRRRRRE ok, I guess.

   Happy Humpday ...........hump like a camel and get down and dirty like frog nuts!

   Why do women do such silly things sometimes, like trying to turn a one night stand into an engagement?

   One of my biggest fears is that some yahoo will actually take my posts seriously and call the cops who will inevitably find my torture chamber, stash of plutonium and action figure collection.

   If you're in a relationship for sex it's like buying an airplane for the peanuts.

   wondering why people with hundreds of friends on FB are spending their time on FB and not with one of them instead.

   At first, I was thinking of gifting my friend an iPad for his birthday, but on a second thought, I might just gift hm a magnifying glass for his iPhone...

   figured out that plastic surgery allows women to make their outer appearance resemble their inner appearance -- fake.

   When I see a hot girl in a Movie or on T. V, I google her name to see if she has any nude pics.

   I just want a man who knows the difference between… Its/It's… Your/You're… Two/To/Too… Their/There/They're… and eats my pu$$y like a pro.

   It's been over a year since I found anything to steal here. If nobody else is gonna say it I will. R I P FSM. I'd type the whole name of the page but we're not allowed smh...

   I like to flirt with people in stable relationships just to test how stable their relationship is.