Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's funny how you become mom's new favorite when your sibling goes to jail.

   It's so depressing how the <3 symbol looks like someone dropped their ice cream cone.

   Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid...

   Fact is. We'll all get to do the kick the bucket challenge. . .

   he instructions for my funeral are for someone to come up front at the end and padlock my coffin shut just to freak everyone out.

   Girls who see Kim Kardashian as a role model; Who hurt you? Did mommy and daddy not hug you enough growing up?

   Whatever you do - when a policeman comes to your door with his handcuffs out and asks for you, do not try to put a dollar bill in his belt using your teeth. .....do not ask me how I know that.

   Son came home from school and asked what "ostracized" meant.. Of course I told him its a unit of measurement for birds.... *now I've got another parent/teacher conference next monday*

   If an imaginary person in your head tells you that you should kill little children, that is not religion but a mental problem.

   its Columbus Day! Find some people who look comfortable and make them move!

   Wife: What are you going to do today? Me: Nothing. Wife: But you did nothing all day yesterday. Me: Yes, but I'm not finished.

   I confess, for years I thought "assless chaps" were skinny British dudes

   [burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

   Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.

   I've got this really good recipe were I burn the hell out of everything and we go out for pizza.

   A girl in yoga pants not talking on the phone. Hope she's ok.

   Your wedding day will be the last time you agree on anything. When you both say "I do".

   Okay, guys. Admit it. You shake your head in disgust everytime you learn that one of your hot female friends on Facebook gets pregnant.

   For some reason, I don't think single people need Valentine's day to realize that they're single. I'm sure they realize that fact the other 364 days of the year.

   That was Samuel Jackson's first ever public appearance without saying "mother$ucker"