Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I child-proofed my house, but they still get in.

   Forget Vi@gra. They need to invent a pill that'll make a girl like me for four hours.

   so surprised I dont see more homeless people wearing bowling shoes..

   You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson

   You can do nice things for people all the time & they never notice.But once you make one mistake, its never forgotten.

   Trying to decide: Laundry tonight or naked tommorow.

   in my world...staple guns = curtain rods

   Today is worse than the day my brothers broke my nose with their stupid football. RIP Davy- Marsha B

   Trying to talk to a girl without staring at her boobs is like trying to poop without peeing.

   It's hard to pretend you love someone when you don't, but it's harder to pretend you don't love someone when you really do.

   Marriage is like a casino...you go in all excited and optimistic, you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself.

   Well,,, I'm off to leave single shoes on the side of the highway for my annual summer road trip.. Yeah, that's me,,,,, I've been doing that.

   I always thought GTFO meant Great, Terrific, Fantastic, & Outstanding... so, I guess all those people weren't paying me compliments after all!

   Before there was roofies, a caveman would just club a b!tch and take her home. That's why they call the hook up spot "The Club"

   If you have an extraordinary sense of humour and you are able to make sense and relate to my jokes without blushing, puking or being offended, then you are my kind of peoplez and maybe we should hangout sometime.

   I don't like the term "substance abuse". I prefer "teaching substance a lesson".

   Ladies: Don't keep him guessing for too long or he will find the answer somewhere else.

   You have the right to remain stupid anything you say or do can and will be ignored.

   Eating memory foam DOESN'T cure Alzheimer's? Well...it SHOULD

   Approximately 80% of my regrets involve hitting “send”