Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I see a black guy who can't dance I just assume was adopted by white parents.

   Ugly people with beautiful babies should be investigated for child kidnapping.

   I would rather cut off fourteen inches of my p@nis than lie to impress a girl.

   Jerry Sandusky.....from Penn State to State Penn!!!!

   Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.

   Charles thought he'd struck gold with his metal detector. It wasn't until he'd dug a 60ft hole that he realized that he had steel-toe boots.

   Why is it called "raw sewage?" Does that mean that someone, somewhere, is cooking the sh!t?

   Yes, America's the fattest nation on earth but that means were also the funniest when falling off bicycles.

   With how slutty this generation of girls are, if your 16 and your hymen is still intact give yourself a round of applause.

   Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults.

   I fear the day I get so drunk that I actually accept Facebook's request to change my profile over to Timeline.

   If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. Everybody else, write a novel about your childhood.

   I'm sorry I upset you. I'll try not to be right next time.

   I'm going to open a store and call it "Don't Patronize Me."

   Not feeling the Christmas spirit? Go elf yourself!

   I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it's written in english.

   You realize 30 years from now some idiot actress is going to be talking about the "challenge of portraying an icon like Kim Kardashian".

   The less you have, the more you value it.

   Sorry, dear. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.

   When my ex yelled at me: "You'll never find anyone like me!" I just picked up a spade, winked and replied, "Neither will anyone else."