Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..time is precious so be careful who you waste it on.

   the only time love comes before sex is in the dictionary.

   I just accidentally dropped a bowling ball on my bed and my wine glass fell over. I wish I had Tempur-pedic bed

   I had a really big hangover this morning. I sat on the edge of the bed naked.

   A friend of mine inserted an wanted ad in the Craigslist: It said "Wife wanted". Next day he said that he received a hundred replies. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

   in a relationship with the Craigslist Killer and it complicated!

   Relationships are like farts, if you push to hard, things could get messy!

   U can win any argument if you put "technically" before any statement 

   Whenever I see a black guy who can't dance I just assume was adopted by white parents.

   Ugly people with beautiful babies should be investigated for child kidnapping.

   I would rather cut off fourteen inches of my p@nis than lie to impress a girl.

   Jerry Sandusky.....from Penn State to State Penn!!!!

   Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.

   Charles thought he'd struck gold with his metal detector. It wasn't until he'd dug a 60ft hole that he realized that he had steel-toe boots.

   Why is it called "raw sewage?" Does that mean that someone, somewhere, is cooking the sh!t?

   Yes, America's the fattest nation on earth but that means were also the funniest when falling off bicycles.

   With how slutty this generation of girls are, if your 16 and your hymen is still intact give yourself a round of applause.

   Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults.

   I fear the day I get so drunk that I actually accept Facebook's request to change my profile over to Timeline.

   If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. Everybody else, write a novel about your childhood.