Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are officially more embarrassing than my dad.

   TO all you women that like to SCREW married men.......Im Available..!!!

   So sad... Please put this on your status if you know or are related to someone who suffers from stupidity. People need to understand that stupidity is real and should be taken seriously. You could be sitting next to a stupid person right now.

   Hospital walls have seen and heard more sincere prayers than any church

   When God asks what you've done with your life, try not to say "Didn't you read my facebook status updates?"

   i made a starteling discovery this morning, apparently someone broke into my house last night and stole my "baggie" jeans from last year and replaced them with "skinny" jeans

   There are no winners when you're arguing to someone about Politics.

   I need to scratch my balls but can't find my wife's purse...

   We are around 7 billion and we have differences but can we at least agree that a person found guilty in rape deserves the death sentence?

   A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy walk into a bar. They have a great time, they're friends. It's 2014 you racist punks

   This is a test of the facebook emergency notification system. Had this been an actual emergency, the entire message would have been in capital letters and you would have been directed to post this as your status message immediately. This is only a test.

   I found out I have CDO. It's like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order...like they should be

   Attention to all the mourners outside Amy Whinehouse's house, please form a line......its what she would've wanted.

   Before you judge Mitt Romney, try walking a mile in his backyard.

   Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.

   His haters would rather see people die than ever let him have a victory or give him any credit.

   can not think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.

   Confucius say Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner if she stops sucking, replace the bag

   Most Good People Say: Forgive & Forget, But 9/11 Is Not One Of Those Days That Is Possible...

   I hate being bipolar... It's awsome!