Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're going to block me... then you better block all of my friends on FB! Right guys? Guys? Hello? Dammit! :(

   You'll never meet anyone who's quietly in training for a charity run

   LOOK AT THIS GUY FLASHING HIS GANG SIGNS AT ME! Grandma please! He is deaf!

   when a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason...theres a reason!!!

   I wish my life was more like a professional wrestler's. I'd walk into work with entrance music, pyrotechnics, and a laser light show.

   "Ahh,,Yes,Yes,,,I can see where you're coming from." - My Urologist,,, He's a kidder,,

   My mom says it's her house, but when it's time to clean, it magically becomes my house, too.

   I wish little plastic airline masks would drop from the ceiling when someone's ass loses cabin pressure.

   going to bed early cause I've got some awesoming to do tomorrow.

   I will do anything humanly possible to reach the remote without getting up..

   Want to surprise your girlfriend? Introduce her to your wife.

   I sincerely wish you the best. I just don't want to hear about it.

   Ask yourself what you would do for one more day with the ones you've lost and then do those things for the ones you still have.

   Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.

   My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I'm going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

   Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.

   I'm sorry I asked who your cute friend was on our date but that should teach you not to bring your friends along on our dates.

   watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence at least we don't have to save for college

   I remember when the NBA was full of basketball players and not academy award whiners

   Whew, that salad filled me up-said no real man EVER