Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you call it when 2 guys fight over a slut? Tug-of-whor

   When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I'm single again.

   Live each day like it is your last. Murmuring regrets and occasionally spitting up blood

   I was dropped when I was little, into a pool of sexy.

   Backwards is overrated. I want a girl who'll bend over frontwards for me.

   Don't call people "Ugly" because its offensive. Call them facially challenged, it makes you sound smart

   Parents, be nice to your children's teachers. They know more about you than you'd ever care to imagine.

   Has a strict tag and release policy with cougars

   Dear inventor of the spork: I am fully prepared to have my mind blown again, whenever you're ready.

   Why do ppl say the new year I'll change, things will better, I'm doing this or that, make resolutions...why do they wait till a new year has begun...you have the ability to change your life any day or month of the year...New Year, big deal....

   Things are getting serious with my boyfriend: He is about to introduce me to his wife! #ThatsWhatSheSaid

   HEY PEOPLE DRIVING IN SNOW, IF TRAFFIC'S REALLY BAD MAKE SURE YOU TAKE YOUR EYES OFF THE ROAD AND TYPE IN A TWEET ABOUT IT, OK?

   P.M.S.= Pass my shotgun

   Accidentally picked out soothing paint colors and now my panic room is ruined.

   I love a hot chick in a football jersey. Or a regular shirt. Or a dress. Or naked. Whatever

   If you're playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night & you put your ear up to your monitor, it sounds exactly like having no friends.

   I wouldn't have to manage my anger… If people could learn to manage their stupidity. 

   Last night my wife said to me, "What would you do without me?" Apparently, "Your sister" was the wrong answer.

   MY girlfriend says I'm too immature for her. I'm still trying to figure out how she got past my force field.

   Penguins mate once and stay together for life. All those failed relationships you had? Penguins are kicking your ass.