Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never say “that won't happen to me!”, because life has a funny way of proving us wrong.

   Casey Anthony has been seen in a WHITE FORD BRONCO driving away from the COURTHOUSE. Unconfirmed reports state Al Cowligs is driving.....

   The sad part about this whole Casey Anthony ordeal is that she will probably have her own TV show.. and write a book that half of the americans will buy... its sad.

   wondering what it takes to kill that 0.01% of germs.

   Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

   nice guys finish last, and bring you breakfast in bed.

   Love is one long sweet dream… and marriage is the alarm clock.

   To all the women I've dated. If we have a secret love child together that you never told me about, just have them get me a giftcard for Father's Day. Thanks!

   Everyone in life has a purpose, even if it's to serve as a bad example

   You know your hungry when you start eating some old cough drops

   Holding ALT and pressing F4 will fix all of your facebook problems...Your Welcome :)

   Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills

   We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up like Batman & The Joker.

   Universal truth: You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

   doesn't get drunk - I get awesome!

   Didn't win the lotto again.. send prayers.

   My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams"HIT THE BLAKES" & I'm like"I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE"

   Job Interview Tip: Don't move in for the kiss too early or your potential employer may think you're only after one thing.

   It amazes me at how dirty minded most of you single women are. What amazes me more is how you clean that mind after you get wifed.

   The tv remote fell under the bed so I guess it’s TBS, on an uncomfortably high volume, for the next 5 years