Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your problem has a solution solve it. If it doesn't, why worry about it?

   Had a great weekend, now Monday just like always comes and steps in and ruins it

   I wish I could get fired and get paid $25 million like Charlie Sheen.

   I don't want a job...i just want money.

   I never say ”I have a bone to pick with you” cause that sounds stupid, plus a nose hair is more accessible.

   There is perhaps nothing more annoying then listening to a great song on Youtube and decidding to vote up a comment you agree with, only to be taken away from the video to a login page prompting you for your username/password.

   Ok, if I agree with you and say I'm codependent will you promise to never ever leave?

   feels sorry for all those gangsters in "408", now they're going to have to get their tattoos redone to "669"

   Women like saying "I'm not short, I'm fun sized", so I tell them the same thing in bed.

   why do people keep asking dogs "whos a good boy then". My dog told me he thinks the question is patronizing.

   The media and Nancy Grace had her guilty for three years, a Florida jury took 11 hours and found her NOT guilty... I'm so confused, do I move to Florida or get rid of my TV?

   I don't get the toilet seat issue that woman have. I won't put my naked butt on anything without looking at it first. Apparently some woman ar not so discriminating

   I always try to watch what I eat...that way I don't bite my finger.

   I think the WHITE HOUSE should think outside the box now!

   My Uncle always told me our side of the family had Irish Alzhiemers , That's where you forget everything but the grudge

   It takes more muscles to frown than it does to just completely ignore people.

   thinks that it's no coincidence that there are no z's in insomnia.

   If it squirms it's Biology; if it stinks it's Chemistry; if it doesn't work it's Physics and if you can't understand it, it's Mathematics.

   No I do not want to see who deleted you from facebook in 2010.. And if you keep it up, I'm going to be first on the list for 2011..

   I don't think I could ever be with a woman who is just like me. For one thing, she'd be way too big and hairy.