Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It seems so much later then it actually is.....

   You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks'

   before everyone leaves in the Rapture, can you join my mafia, farm, and garden? thanks...

   Note to self : when manscaping don't use after shave....

   Life is like a sports car: It goes too fast, and it costs too much.

   I crack open a beer and get on facebook when I have nothing else to do....and also when I have something else to do....

   tragic fail: the moment you realize that swig of milk is spoiled and its too late, you swallowed!

   I always had a peculiar sense of direction ,I just never knew where it would take me.

   I was speaking to a guy who reckons he is able to throw a stick, for two miles and the dog retrieves it. Sounds a bit far fetched.

   If your problem has a solution solve it. If it doesn't, why worry about it?

   Had a great weekend, now Monday just like always comes and steps in and ruins it

   I wish I could get fired and get paid $25 million like Charlie Sheen.

   I don't want a job...i just want money.

   I never say ”I have a bone to pick with you” cause that sounds stupid, plus a nose hair is more accessible.

   There is perhaps nothing more annoying then listening to a great song on Youtube and decidding to vote up a comment you agree with, only to be taken away from the video to a login page prompting you for your username/password.

   Ok, if I agree with you and say I'm codependent will you promise to never ever leave?

   feels sorry for all those gangsters in "408", now they're going to have to get their tattoos redone to "669"

   Women like saying "I'm not short, I'm fun sized", so I tell them the same thing in bed.

   why do people keep asking dogs "whos a good boy then". My dog told me he thinks the question is patronizing.

   The media and Nancy Grace had her guilty for three years, a Florida jury took 11 hours and found her NOT guilty... I'm so confused, do I move to Florida or get rid of my TV?