Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we start calling it 'potato juice', Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT??

   Me: You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you're smart too, I like that.

   received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don't have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

   I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn't talk over the song.

   If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.

   who else wakes up in the morning and checks their Facebook like its the morning newspaper??

   A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.

   Kids these days are spoiled. Ipads, smart phones, video games, etc. But they'll never know the joy of putting an Ozzy Osborne cassette tape in a Teddy Ruxpin

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work.

   Welcome to Facebook, choose your category: Comedian, Philosopher, Protester, or Drama Queen

   I just had 14 beers at Chuck E. Cheese's... and this band is f*cking awesome!

   I hope there comes a day when cancer is just a zodiac sign

   The other day my car's “Check Engine” light came on, so I popped the hood and looked, and the engine was still there. Silly light!

   Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"

   When I was younger, I always used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body. However, that all changed when I was born.

   I'm an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I'm just majestic.

   Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don't want to know."

   Guess who has The Addams Family theme song stuck in their head?...... You. *snap snap*

   Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.

   Dear Fellow Americans, we need to stop making stupid people famous.