Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FACT: The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.

   Ladies; If your boyfriend is shorter than 5'5 he's not your man, he is your minion.

   Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.

   I prefer products that say virgin on it, like extra virgin olive oil, cause I don't want to buy a slutty oil made from slut olives.

   Ladies, it's football season. Time to dust off your vibrat0rs.

   BREAKING: Referee lockout to end; Replacement refs to report back to Foot Locker ASAP

   Everyone becomes an air drumming master 3 minutes and 40 seconds into Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight".

   The Salvation Army is sponsoring a race car this year. It's a 1992 Chevy Lumina...

   My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"

   Dear facebook event invite: I'd love nothing more than to travel 1100 miles to see your half a$$ed band play other people's music in a bar that's filled with 4 people. DECLINE!

   One of my favorite things about this time of year is seeing all the pictures of children screaming in sheer terror as their parents try to capture that special moment with Santa.

   If you're on facebook saying you're at the gym, then you're not doing anything gym related.

   Just saw a homeless woman eating cat food. I really felt bad for her. She couldn't even Instagram it first.

   Bikinis should have an age limit and a weight limit.

   : Ha!! My wife thinks that she's meeting my Italian friend "Fellatio" tonight...

   I put a Justin Bieber's song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don't have to listen to that shit

   that I have been married for 21 years andwe have had $ex almost everyday....almost Monday,almost Tuesday,almost Wednesday.....

   Wear jeans every day and nobody cares. Wear a shirt twice in a row and you're suddenly homeless in the eyes of everyone.

   Please don't curse and use bad words when you comment on my posts. My mother f*cking family is on Facebook. Thank you.

   I'm dreaming of a tight Christmas!