Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear facebook event invite: I'd love nothing more than to travel 1100 miles to see your half a$$ed band play other people's music in a bar that's filled with 4 people. DECLINE!

   One of my favorite things about this time of year is seeing all the pictures of children screaming in sheer terror as their parents try to capture that special moment with Santa.

   If you're on facebook saying you're at the gym, then you're not doing anything gym related.

   Just saw a homeless woman eating cat food. I really felt bad for her. She couldn't even Instagram it first.

   Bikinis should have an age limit and a weight limit.

   : Ha!! My wife thinks that she's meeting my Italian friend "Fellatio" tonight...

   I put a Justin Bieber's song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don't have to listen to that shit

   that I have been married for 21 years andwe have had $ex almost everyday....almost Monday,almost Tuesday,almost Wednesday.....

   Wear jeans every day and nobody cares. Wear a shirt twice in a row and you're suddenly homeless in the eyes of everyone.

   Please don't curse and use bad words when you comment on my posts. My mother f*cking family is on Facebook. Thank you.

   I'm dreaming of a tight Christmas!

   Misplaced my smart car. Thought I left it on the counter... And yes, I checked in the couch cushions already

   I got 99 problems and walking over the Grand Canyon isn't one of them, # Insane.

   saw a whino eating grapes. I was like "Whoa, buddy. You have to wait....."

   The fact that I don't feel an ant crawling on me until it bites me makes me think that ninja school I went to was a total sham.

   Why when you wanna break up you hear this "u will never find someone like me?" NO Serious do you think that I leave you For being with someone like u????!

   Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

   Yoko Ono will once again oppose the parole of Mark David Chapman - the man who shot and killed John Lennon 30 years ago. Perhaps she ought to rethink that - I hear Chapman has a Jonas Brothers obsession now.

   Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

   I would never tell someone how to do their job but I don't think each of the 78 items I purchased at the grocery store needed their own bag.