Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was little, I thought my name was shuddup.

   I hope the penalty for providing false information to law enforcement officers includes sterilization.

   In life, every one of us is dealing with different kinds of problems. The trick is not about comparing your problems with other people, it's about solving your own.

   ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.

   You can have hundreds and hundreds of friends on Facebook, but that won't make you stop staying "WTF?" when that number goes down by 1....

   feels Ripped Off after having bought this book titled "How to Make a Woman Constantly Happy"..... 469 Blank Pages!! :-/

   Once in a while you need to ask yourself, If sex was removed from your relationship, would you still be together. Would you still have a relationship to talk about? Or you owe your relationship to great sex?

   If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression!!!

   "What do you mean the Broncos played last week?" -God

   I wish relationship history was as easy to delete as browser history.

   If you play a Ke$ha song backwards, you hear messages from Satan. Even worse, if you play it forwards you hear Ke$ha.

   At some point you just stop wiping your kid's ass for him and hope for the best.

   What would life be like without women? A pain in the as$.

   How long does it take for this Smart Water to kick in? I have been slipping it in her drink for 2 weeks now and as best as I can tell nothing has changed.

   I'm starting a new fad, it's called Walk the Plank. Basically, whenever you see someone planking, walk on them and then jump off.

   Men have feelings too. For example, they feel hungry.

   I checked the thermometer outside. The temperature read "Fuck this shit! Stay in the house!"

   It would be weird if you walked into your living room and chris hansen told you to take a seat.

   I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.

   Smile, it makes your butt look smaller.