Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish relationship history was as easy to delete as browser history.

   If you play a Ke$ha song backwards, you hear messages from Satan. Even worse, if you play it forwards you hear Ke$ha.

   At some point you just stop wiping your kid's ass for him and hope for the best.

   What would life be like without women? A pain in the as$.

   How long does it take for this Smart Water to kick in? I have been slipping it in her drink for 2 weeks now and as best as I can tell nothing has changed.

   I'm starting a new fad, it's called Walk the Plank. Basically, whenever you see someone planking, walk on them and then jump off.

   Men have feelings too. For example, they feel hungry.

   I checked the thermometer outside. The temperature read "Fuck this shit! Stay in the house!"

   It would be weird if you walked into your living room and chris hansen told you to take a seat.

   I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.

   Smile, it makes your butt look smaller.

   FACT: The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.

   Ladies; If your boyfriend is shorter than 5'5 he's not your man, he is your minion.

   Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.

   I prefer products that say virgin on it, like extra virgin olive oil, cause I don't want to buy a slutty oil made from slut olives.

   Ladies, it's football season. Time to dust off your vibrat0rs.

   BREAKING: Referee lockout to end; Replacement refs to report back to Foot Locker ASAP

   Everyone becomes an air drumming master 3 minutes and 40 seconds into Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight".

   The Salvation Army is sponsoring a race car this year. It's a 1992 Chevy Lumina...

   My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"