Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's nothing I hate more than joggers on the beach. I don't need to be reminded how out of shape I am on vacation a $$hole.

   Dear coworkers, I am never going to eat anything you cooked and brought in. I've seen the quality of your work here and I value my life.

   Dear girl at the gym. Chill on the perfume; it's not a nighclub. And that 5 minute walk on the treadmill is a warm-up not a work out...

   Time To Get Star Spangled Hammered

   Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

   Irony of a woman – she spends hours putting on makeup, exotic perfume, expensive jewellery and outfit but when people finally look at her the first thing they say, "Wow nice a$$"

   Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? Good times

   Tattoos are like cats. You get one, then you have to get another, then you get more and more until you have to get rid of them using lasers.

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.

   No matter how old you are, no matter how much of a bad ass are, if a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it.

   We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.

   Whenever you're talking to someone who is really attractive, the odds of you doing something stupid are multiplied by 100.

   Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn't accurately describe my life I don't know what does

   I spent the majority of the 80's waiting on cassettes to rewind.

   Don't text and walk at the same time. Trust me, that street lamp is closer than you think..

   thinks God will still love me if I don't annoy 15 of my friends with some stupid chain email.

   I'm starting to think that all those hours in school when I practiced writing my autograph was just a waste of time.....

   We should just give Detroit to Canada and see what they can do with it.

   Whenever you can't think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I've been thinking about killing you."

   just had to separate 5 loads of laundry....and they will just have to sit there and think about what they've done....then and only then will I deal with them....