Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   5 "Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.

   Stop complaining about being single on Valentine's Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald's doesn't serve breakfast after 10.30

   The grass is greener on the other side because my neighbors are Mexican.

   Calm down Jihadists. If you're in that much of a hurry to see 72 virgins, just go to a Star Trek convention.

   If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted I wish I had a puppy

   My friend handed out wedding invitations at her baby shower, like the classless knocked up slut she is.

   why are all these wicked and crazy storms named after women?

   I tought my niece well, when we were carving our pumpkin I heard her wisper to it "that's what happens to snitches"

   The only reason I know how many beers I drank last night, is because it was all of them.

   I talk to an imaginary live studio audience when I'm making dinner.

   Great...now everybody is a damn food photographer. Hope this fad dies out quicker than Planking.

   I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific!

   Taylor Swift chases more balls than a puppy.

   You're odd and cheap when you smile habitually and for no apparent reason.

   This complimentary lemonade at the doctor's office tastes funny.

   How the hell do you call Batman during the day?

   You know you fat when you use cheat codes for Wii Fit.

   Got roses from a vegan. Not sure if they are supposed to be a snack or a decoration. Anyway, they're pretty. Maybe I'll eat just one.

   You know you're old when 'Getting Lucky' now means that you got the last package of Depends© left on the store shelf.

   I heard that Steve Jobs was trying to type "I reign as CEO of Apple!" on his iPhone, but the autocorrect got him.