Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.

   Settle down Cross Fit. Settle down. I just wanna lift weights not snatch smart cars.

   I dont tell god how big my problems are, I tell my problems how big my god is

   if you want to know anything then come to my house because i've got a teenager here who knows everything

   Writing a new rap song and need a word that rhymes with trigger.

   When Mitt becomes President put this as your status...MITT HAPPENS.

   Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?? I put in a bid for a "Mickey Mouse outfit" and now it seems I am only 15 minutes away from owning the "Dallas Cowboys Football Team"..

   Some People are like slinkies,, not good for anything, but fun to watch tunmble down stairs(:

   I went to the store and got me some Oreo's. As I was walking back to my car I saw a friend who told me that it was his birthday today...so for the 1st time ever, without being sarcastic, I was able to say "What...Do you want a cookie or something?"

   CDC ~ Center to deceive and control.

   My hamster died today He fell asleep at the wheel.

   so easy even a cave man can do her.

   - I took my ex out last night. It only took one punch :)

   Some people really have a knack for giving my middle finger an erection...

   If I were to make a dictionary: CUTE=you; SWEET=you; THOUGHTFUL=you; GOOD LOOKING=you; GORGEOUS=you; LIAR=me!

   Dear guys wearing skinny jeans, I... Can't.... Breathe.... Sincerely, your damn balls.

   I dont hate you. I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank.

   as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn

   I really hope the guy from Microsoft can take some time out from his busy schedule to read the hundreds of error reports I send him daily

   My status is a virus..DON'T CLICK THE LIKE BUTTON!!!! If you do your computer will freeze and lock up for good. If you click the comment button you will turn into an evil troll who eats humans for dinner. Repost if your a troll so I can run and hide.