Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before the internet I used to like people.

   Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.

   Settle down Cross Fit. Settle down. I just wanna lift weights not snatch smart cars.

   I dont tell god how big my problems are, I tell my problems how big my god is

   if you want to know anything then come to my house because i've got a teenager here who knows everything

   Writing a new rap song and need a word that rhymes with trigger.

   When Mitt becomes President put this as your status...MITT HAPPENS.

   Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?? I put in a bid for a "Mickey Mouse outfit" and now it seems I am only 15 minutes away from owning the "Dallas Cowboys Football Team"..

   Some People are like slinkies,, not good for anything, but fun to watch tunmble down stairs(:

   I went to the store and got me some Oreo's. As I was walking back to my car I saw a friend who told me that it was his birthday today...so for the 1st time ever, without being sarcastic, I was able to say "What...Do you want a cookie or something?"

   CDC ~ Center to deceive and control.

   My hamster died today He fell asleep at the wheel.

   so easy even a cave man can do her.

   - I took my ex out last night. It only took one punch :)

   Some people really have a knack for giving my middle finger an erection...

   If I were to make a dictionary: CUTE=you; SWEET=you; THOUGHTFUL=you; GOOD LOOKING=you; GORGEOUS=you; LIAR=me!

   Dear guys wearing skinny jeans, I... Can't.... Breathe.... Sincerely, your damn balls.

   I dont hate you. I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank.

   as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn

   I really hope the guy from Microsoft can take some time out from his busy schedule to read the hundreds of error reports I send him daily