Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I often find myself rewording a long post so many times, that it completely loses the original subject... This one started off about bacon

   Dudes in skinny jeans...there's no need for sex if you're already in her pants...

   If your legs open up faster than Google's homepage. You are not girlfriend material.

   heard on CNN that the blackout in India has affected nearly 700 million people...Good luck getting through to Comcast customer service today! ツ

   I'm terrible with women. Even my sex doll only wants to be friends.

   I have absolutely no problem telling my boss to go screw himself when he isn't here.

   There would be no limits to what a man could achieve... if he were to apply the same level of focus, persistence and dedication to his daily life... that he does when drunk and trying to convince a hot lesbian to sleep with him...

   Life is short. Tell the people you care about that you love the them. But tell them in German because life is also scary and confusing...

   Nicki Minaj's stylists must be exhausted from finding new and creative ways to hide her enormous camel toe.

   You know you're getting old when you watch a porno and think: "Oh, that bed looks comfortable.".

   I read the obituaries for motivation.

   I believe in love at first sight, and love at last call.

   I had my trophy wife stuffed and mounted.

   How to open a card: 1. Pretend to read card 2. Pretend to not look for money If money found: 3. Show gratitude OR 4. Feign gratitude

   Honestly, I have no idea what to do with 5 hours of energy.

   I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

   If the Starbucks is less than a block away, it's an extension of your house and you can go in your pajamas.. That's the law

   my wife has spent all day arguing that she isn't stubborn...

   Hey black guy with the geek hipster glasses, say hello to the white guy with dreadlocks.

   Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I'll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.