Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're getting old when you watch a porno and think: "Oh, that bed looks comfortable.".

   I read the obituaries for motivation.

   I believe in love at first sight, and love at last call.

   I had my trophy wife stuffed and mounted.

   How to open a card: 1. Pretend to read card 2. Pretend to not look for money If money found: 3. Show gratitude OR 4. Feign gratitude

   Honestly, I have no idea what to do with 5 hours of energy.

   I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

   If the Starbucks is less than a block away, it's an extension of your house and you can go in your pajamas.. That's the law

   my wife has spent all day arguing that she isn't stubborn...

   Hey black guy with the geek hipster glasses, say hello to the white guy with dreadlocks.

   Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I'll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

   Do not overly trust journalists coz they are more concerned with selling newspapers than telling the truth.

   After spending most of Sunday wrapping presents I've decided next year everyone gets square present

   I have come to the conclusion that Facebook needs to add an option called "People You Don't Want To Know"

   This girl at the bar said she wanted a man that's fun and spontaneous but got mad when I tickled her...

   Monsters Inc 2 is coming out in 2013 move out of the way kids, I've been waiting 10 f-king years for this.

   Just saw a girl choking on a cupcake so I quickly ran over, took her phone and Instagrammed what was left of it. She's perfectly fine now.

   I take some pride in the fact that I don't need football season to be a terrible husband.

   Drank a Rockstar and now I'm patiently waiting to break furniture in a hotel room.

   I'm looking for someone with emotional baggage that complements mine.