Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that Microsoft's Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.

   My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super badass and hilarious

   I have 2 hairstyles – cute and homeless

   During sex..it's perfectly fine to say yeah....yes....or oh yes over and over, but if you wanna mess with your partner..holler out YEP over and over

   I wish I had half of the fight in me as the spider that I just washed down my bathroom sink did.

   On a scale of Amanda Bynes to the woman who wants to marry Charles Manson, my cat only thinks I'm Gary Busey crazy.

   McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months

   I was voted 'Most Paranoid' by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.

   The human heart has four chambers : Rumpus room, Tradesmans Entrance, Wine Cellar and Guest Bedroom

   "Sir your phone's ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."

   When Kanye West blows out candles on a birthday cake he wishes it was his birthday, instead of whoever's party he's at.

   A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!

   White lives matter.......we pay your welfare.

   wmen get their belly button pierced cause its a good place to hang the air freshner.

   "Why did Sally sell seashells by the seashore, when you can just pick them up off the beach for free?"

   Pulling your phone out in front of your friends has the same effect as yawning.

   I don't see how a man announcing to the world that he takes it up the ass is such big news.

   If a transvesite goes missing, would you put their face on a carton of Half and Half Milk?

   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

   Marriage is not a word, its a sentence, a life sentence.