Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Out of all the lies I've told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.

   The salesman claimed the shoes were made from alligator, but I knew it was a crock

   Parents,, instead of telling your child don't let the bedbugs bite, here's a crazy idea...Maybe buy your kid a new frigging mattress?

   Drive around me, can't you see I'm taking a selfie here?

   Are you butt dailing, cause I swear that a$$ is calling me

   what makes fancy green beans fancy?

   Now that Microsoft's Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.

   My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super badass and hilarious

   I have 2 hairstyles – cute and homeless

   During sex..it's perfectly fine to say yeah....yes....or oh yes over and over, but if you wanna mess with your partner..holler out YEP over and over

   I wish I had half of the fight in me as the spider that I just washed down my bathroom sink did.

   On a scale of Amanda Bynes to the woman who wants to marry Charles Manson, my cat only thinks I'm Gary Busey crazy.

   McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months

   I was voted 'Most Paranoid' by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.

   The human heart has four chambers : Rumpus room, Tradesmans Entrance, Wine Cellar and Guest Bedroom

   "Sir your phone's ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."

   When Kanye West blows out candles on a birthday cake he wishes it was his birthday, instead of whoever's party he's at.

   A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!

   White lives matter.......we pay your welfare.

   wmen get their belly button pierced cause its a good place to hang the air freshner.