Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's two kind of people in this world: People that use "lol" or "haha"

   Yard Work.....there's nothing like a well trimmed bush.

   Attention all people who still have pics of their ex-lovers in their albums. Please get rid of that sh!t and move on. Thank you.

   Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse.

   I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig....Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

   I've spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn't rhyme with good.

   Anyone else notice that "The Los Angeles Angels" directly translates to "The The Angels Angels"?

   How do I love thee? Let me count the empty cans.

   Got a headache from looking at all the options of headache relief.

   The word "epic" has lost the right to exist.

   has problems with asthma. Like what the hell is the 'th' in there for?

   ‎45% of the internet is pornography. 55% of the internet is lame.

   "To generalize is to be an idiot." - William Blake, or one of those other poet guys.

   Cape Town: The world's largest Superhero Retirement community.

   I like E.L.O. Cause if you say it fast enough you sound like a fun dad answering the phone

   Oh, I'm so sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

   Drunkenness neither keeps a secret, nor observes a promise.

   When you go Black you never go back. Black Coffee that is.

   I'm addicted to cold turkey and I don't know how to quit it.

   once my kid learned how to read I had to explain why all his Christmas presents said 'Made in China'