Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guess whose filing for a divorce....Tom's wife from Myspace!

   I want a drug sniffing dog but for all the wrong reasons

   My performance as "guy pretending to be on phone avoiding eye contact w/ aggressive homeless guy," is getting some early Oscar buzz.

   I forget how ridiculous I look while air drumming until I see the pictures that come with my red light ticket.

   Everyone pisses in the pool, but piss off the diving board one time and they call the cops.

   I know! I'll go on the Internet and complain! That'll fix everything!

   There's two kind of people in this world: People that use "lol" or "haha"

   Yard Work.....there's nothing like a well trimmed bush.

   Attention all people who still have pics of their ex-lovers in their albums. Please get rid of that sh!t and move on. Thank you.

   Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse.

   I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig....Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

   I've spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn't rhyme with good.

   Anyone else notice that "The Los Angeles Angels" directly translates to "The The Angels Angels"?

   How do I love thee? Let me count the empty cans.

   Got a headache from looking at all the options of headache relief.

   The word "epic" has lost the right to exist.

   has problems with asthma. Like what the hell is the 'th' in there for?

   ‎45% of the internet is pornography. 55% of the internet is lame.

   "To generalize is to be an idiot." - William Blake, or one of those other poet guys.

   Cape Town: The world's largest Superhero Retirement community.