Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When do you think Snooki gonna realize that she's a GRENADE?

   The Rapture isn't going to happen as long as people keep trying to predict when it will happen. Stop guessing, live life like you know your supposed to and He'll get here when He gets here!

   While the folks in Ferguson are busy protesting, Mexicans are taking their jobs...

   read a Chinese newspaper at lunch. After I was done, I felt the need to read another newspaper.

   I just shaved a hedgehog. It was pointless.

   husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." > Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" > She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, Id like to call a friend."

   How nice would it be if when you started rubbing yourself a genie came out, finished you off, cleaned you up & left a chocolate chip cookie.

   a blind man went to a silent movie ....

   If being Gay is supposed to be genetic, How do they pass it on to their kids?

   Why do men snore when they lie on their backs???.... Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and cause a vapor lock.

   (Q) Why are there no female hockey players in the NHL? (A) They don't want to go through 3 periods each game

   The word bed looks like a bed

   I love it when a girl tell me she is not a slut and then 2-hours latter I've got her feet behind her ears while screaming my name.

   Wow, some people will do anything for a "like" on Facebook. Anyways if you agree like my status.

   Milky way is Snicker's nutless gay little brother.

   Sometimes you gotta remind the hen who the rooster is.

   Copper wire was invented by two Jews fighting over a penny.

   ever had a nightmare so bad that when you wake up you feel like throwing a party to celebrate that it was only a dream.

   Teacher Johnny: Use the word HARASSMENT in a Sentence... Johnny: I was in Love with a girl and.. Her-ass-meant a lot to me

   Starbucks really isn't that expensive when you consider what Victoria's Secret charges per cup.