Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to the chemist and said, "I'd like some deodorant please." The woman said, "Is it the ball deodorant you want?" I said, "No, underarm."

   Scientists have discovered a human jawbone that is over 2 million years old. They believe it belonged to a woman as it was still f-kin moving.

   Wait a min..she aint had a job in 2 years..And she had 10 lawyers?? Public Defender my ass...I guess its a good thing she wasnt a black girl named Peaches..Cuz she would have been Sh*t out of Luck...

   From now on if you type, LOL you should have to submit a video proving it.

   Hey Monday┌П┐(◕‿◕) ┌П┐

   I always call out my boyfriend's name during sex..... Just to make sure he's not around.

   When do you think Snooki gonna realize that she's a GRENADE?

   The Rapture isn't going to happen as long as people keep trying to predict when it will happen. Stop guessing, live life like you know your supposed to and He'll get here when He gets here!

   While the folks in Ferguson are busy protesting, Mexicans are taking their jobs...

   read a Chinese newspaper at lunch. After I was done, I felt the need to read another newspaper.

   I just shaved a hedgehog. It was pointless.

   husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." > Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" > She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, Id like to call a friend."

   How nice would it be if when you started rubbing yourself a genie came out, finished you off, cleaned you up & left a chocolate chip cookie.

   a blind man went to a silent movie ....

   If being Gay is supposed to be genetic, How do they pass it on to their kids?

   Why do men snore when they lie on their backs???.... Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and cause a vapor lock.

   (Q) Why are there no female hockey players in the NHL? (A) They don't want to go through 3 periods each game

   The word bed looks like a bed

   I love it when a girl tell me she is not a slut and then 2-hours latter I've got her feet behind her ears while screaming my name.

   Wow, some people will do anything for a "like" on Facebook. Anyways if you agree like my status.