Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You just elbowd my boob", "You just boobed my elbow.."

   It never ceases to amaze me how people will try to bring you down when you're on your way up. Two words for those soul suckers, fah q!

   "The Empire Strikes Back" is SO unrealistic... No WAY the black guy would ever admit to being the father.

   If Bruce Jenner can win woman of the year, I see no reason why Sarah Jessica Parker can't win the Kentucky Derby.

   re-naming his remote "G-Spot". Why you ask? 'Cause he can never find it.

   Thought for the day: is Taylor Swift's song 'We are never getting back together' actually about her legs ?

   stop sending me farmville requests or I will drive you out into the desert, strip you naked and smear you in honey. then I will tie you to an ant hill lying face up, cut off your eyelids so you are forced to stare at the sun while the ants slowly eat you.

   I greet all my daughter's boyfriends with, "I used to molest guys like you in prison."

   I glued a beer bottle cap to my watch so that whenever I look at it, I know it's time to drink.

   Ladies, instead of trying to change every guy you date, how about you just change your own fcuking expectations??

   Why can't I wake up to some good news for a change? Like hearing that Justin Bieber and the whole Kardashian Clan perished in a plane accident?

   I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..

   Today I was walking down the street and a cop stop me, he asked me if I had a police record ...I said yes ....Every Breath You Take and Don't Stand So Close To Me........ Thank-God, I got bonded, my cellmate Roxanne was just a little weird!

   Calling Justin Bieber gay is an insult to Freddie Mercury.

   Just invented a drink called the LESBIAN. All you do is mix two liquors

   Dear mom while I have been away at college I have learned to make rational and accountable decisions while I'm drinking. However we may or may not have a drunken cat on our hands.

   in the balloon. It was supposed to be a secret mission.

   letting everyone know in advance that I want something shiny that will go from 0 to 120 in 3 seconds for Christmas... and bathroom scales WILL NOT be accepted.

   Your igloo or mine?

   What did the suspenders say to the pants? "What's Up, Britches!"