Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of ur life, starting now.

   When I die I want Charlie Sheen's life to flash before my eyes.

   If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night in there.

   I wasn't speeding officer, but I passed several people who were!

   I love babies wearing sunglasses. They are like little tiny, blind jazz musicians.

   Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don't come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.

   I forgot to buckle my 5 year old up in the car today, and while leaving the parking lot, this guy yells, "You're an irresponsible father!". I was like, "What the hell is that guy's problem? Stop the car son!"

   My relationship with my Ex was purely psychological... She was a psycho and I was totally logical.

   Drunk Logic: "she's only ugly in the face."

   Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss," I assume that means they didn't do it at all and are merely taking credit for it

   I put the 'extra vag' in extravaganza

   Go vote so I can hit your like button. I know you want me to hit your like button.

   Sometimes I don't understand women, they can walk around all day in public wearing a bikini but when they catch me looking at them in their bra and underwear, they scream the place down!

   Man with athletic tongue make broad jump.

   My wife once told me she was a rich b***h. Turns out she was only half right…

   I was late for work this morning because there was a daddy long legs in my bathroom and thats where my work clothes were.

   I'm glad the real referees are back... my fantasy ref team has really suffered.

   I submitted my photo into one of those "Which Celebrity Do You Most Closely Resemble" apps. It compared me to Patrick from SpongeBob.

   I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you'd be a fool not to.

   Baby it's not you, it's me. But it's me because of you.