Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   in a relationship with beer which gets complicated after 2am when I start downing single shots

   When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

   Yes, I saw you dance. No, I don't have a dollar

   Too tired this morning to execute my plan for world domination

   Went camping this weekend adn learned taht the longest journey begins with not looking at a map.

   You'd think a $30,000 car would have a decent cup holder.

   the ancient myans predicted the end of the world in 2012...But mankind can barely predict a 5 day weather forecast....This is some bull sh*t!

   My favourite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.

   I've been a sucker for titties since the day I was born...

   Yeah... I may be old... But I'm still hot..... They just come in flashes now!

   If you pour rubbing alcohol on yourself and set yourself on fire while your friends film it and post it in YouTube your an idiot. Your doing it wrong. Use gas

   Since when did everything I was taught growing up that was wrong to do suddenly became Ok. . .

   Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody's throat.

   nobody raised hell when I was a victim of domestic violenece....Tiger Woods

   It was only after the other brothers of The Jackson 5 refused to let him join that little Samuel L. Jackson first became angry.

   My guess is that roughly half of the U.S. economy is based on making commercials for auto insurance companies.

   If you're routinely referring to yourself as a grown man, chances are you're not.

   I'll be glad when it's warm enough to pee outside!

   The Weed Bowl is On!

   So you mean to tell me that speed dating doesn't involve methamphetamines?