Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The TV remote, the G-spot and black dads. Some things are just made not to be found.

   Boy sees his mom and dad having sex. Dad says "were making you a brother." Boy replies " do her doggy style, I rather have a puppy.".

   1) Go to Google Translate 2) Type in “Will Justin Bieber ever hit puberty” 3) Translate: English to Vietnamese 4) Copy & paste the Vietnamese words back into translator 5) Translate: Vietnamese to English 6) Laugh Uncontrollably!!

   ..The big bad wolf tells little red riding hood to suck his d*ck. She says... "Look f*cker! stick with the story, You're supposed to eat ME!"

   HOLIDAY SHOPPING TIP #1: When the lines at the supermarket are out the door. Say loudly "Ill take the next customer on register #_ _"Then make your way to the nearest "Real" open register.

   :: The Twilight saga - it's like Star Wars for chicks ;)

   What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin...

   Foot fetishes are for men who don't know what boobs are, right?

   I still say they would sell way more PT Cruisers if they would just put a ZZ Top logo on the side.

   [This Status Update Deleted By Facebook Staff For Inappropriate Content]

   Nobody in Yemen likes the Flintstones. Which is funny, because people of Abu Dhabi do.

   We say we love and are fully behind our soldiers risking their lives fighting for our freedom and protecting us from our enemies yet we pay them peanuts while we make millionaires out of sportmen, movie stars, Justin Bieber, the Kadarshians, Kanye west.

   At the bank, I told the cashier, "I'd like to open a joint account please." "OK with whom?" Whoever has lots of money.

   I dont understand....if you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass

   Skinny girls look good in tight clothes.. butt curvy girls look good naked

   Wasn't Al Bundy's toilet also named Ferguson?

   So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.

   "How can I possibly be losing to this guy?"......... *every Republican presidential candidate not named Trump

   Claiming that someone else's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a doughnut because you're on a diet.

   taking life with a pinch of Salt...with a slice of lemon...and a shot of Tequlia!!!