Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HOLIDAY SHOPPING TIP #1: When the lines at the supermarket are out the door. Say loudly "Ill take the next customer on register #_ _"Then make your way to the nearest "Real" open register.

   Foot fetishes are for men who don't know what boobs are, right?

   I still say they would sell way more PT Cruisers if they would just put a ZZ Top logo on the side.

   [This Status Update Deleted By Facebook Staff For Inappropriate Content]

   Nobody in Yemen likes the Flintstones. Which is funny, because people of Abu Dhabi do.

   We say we love and are fully behind our soldiers risking their lives fighting for our freedom and protecting us from our enemies yet we pay them peanuts while we make millionaires out of sportmen, movie stars, Justin Bieber, the Kadarshians, Kanye west.

   At the bank, I told the cashier, "I'd like to open a joint account please." "OK with whom?" Whoever has lots of money.

   I dont understand....if you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass

   Skinny girls look good in tight clothes.. butt curvy girls look good naked

   Wasn't Al Bundy's toilet also named Ferguson?

   So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.

   "How can I possibly be losing to this guy?"......... *every Republican presidential candidate not named Trump

   Claiming that someone else's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a doughnut because you're on a diet.

   taking life with a pinch of Salt...with a slice of lemon...and a shot of Tequlia!!!

   the weekend draws near.. oh liver, you know I love u..

   It confuses me when I see a cougar wearing a leopard print sweater.

   man came up with a new invention: a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

   CONFUCIUS SAYS: "Wife who put husband in dog house soon find him in cat house." hehehe!!!!!!

   Why when I pump $20 worth of gas when I get to the 19th dollars it goes into retard mode and take 10 mintues for the last dollar

   My favorite text message: "I'll be there in 5 minutes...if not, read this again."