Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember - its not how you pick the boogers, its where you put them that matters.

   My house is so messy, I swear when I walk through the front door I hear the "Sandford and Son" theme song playing.

   Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?

   ‎96% percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.

   With all the spam we get for p*nis enlargement pills, you'd think by now someone would have invented a pill to shrink v*ginas instead.

   When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That'd be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.

   An ex should stay an EX. They`re an EXample of the wrong love & an EXplanation for why you deserve better!

   My co-worker seems to think I need anger management classes... I don't know I think he just needs shut the f*ck up classes.

   I feel a little better when I remember that Lady Gaga is just as scared of us, as we are of it.

   Word of Advice: No matter what city you live in, no matter where you travel, there will always be douche bags there.

   Give a man a fish,, and with MY LUCK,, he'll heat it up in our office microwave.

   Time I spend listening to music - 54 seconds. Time I spend untangling headphones - 17 minutes

   She is buy-sexual. You have to buy her expensive sh!t if you want sex...

   Not sure how to feel about always being the one asked to take the family group photo.

   I would totally dominate Iron Chef Pop Tart.

   Me? Fail English!? …. That's unpossible!

   Whats up this video of a dude with a huge zit on the back of his neck going around facebook?.....I'd rather be stuck at the bottom of "Mike & Molly's" ass pile than have to watch some wonderlick pop a giganic tumor-like pustule!

   slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.

   Obama this, Bush that... How about if you're still unemployed after 3+ years you might just be a loser?

   iPhone > Android > Nokia > Land phone > Typewriter > 2 cans and a string > Message in a bottle > Pigeon with a note tap > Blackberry