Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She is buy-sexual. You have to buy her expensive sh!t if you want sex...

   Not sure how to feel about always being the one asked to take the family group photo.

   I would totally dominate Iron Chef Pop Tart.

   Me? Fail English!? …. That's unpossible!

   Whats up this video of a dude with a huge zit on the back of his neck going around facebook?.....I'd rather be stuck at the bottom of "Mike & Molly's" ass pile than have to watch some wonderlick pop a giganic tumor-like pustule!

   Don't feel to high & mighty about yourself sweetheart, cause at the end of the day, your still like a penny ` two faced & worthless.

   That Sinking Feeling: Facebook has worked very hard at making its new Timeline Profiles look like MySpace.

   They say the key to a woman's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time. I call "BS". Apparently it's not romantic to give a woman a see-thru nighty during confirmation.

   Wait a minute. I'm supposed to believe God is on the side of the quarterback NOT married to Gisele?

   Sign my online petition to stop online petitions.

   FACT: it panics the nurses when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor.

   slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.

   Obama this, Bush that... How about if you're still unemployed after 3+ years you might just be a loser?

   iPhone > Android > Nokia > Land phone > Typewriter > 2 cans and a string > Message in a bottle > Pigeon with a note tap > Blackberry

   The TV remote, the G-spot and black dads. Some things are just made not to be found.

   Boy sees his mom and dad having sex. Dad says "were making you a brother." Boy replies " do her doggy style, I rather have a puppy.".

   1) Go to Google Translate 2) Type in “Will Justin Bieber ever hit puberty” 3) Translate: English to Vietnamese 4) Copy & paste the Vietnamese words back into translator 5) Translate: Vietnamese to English 6) Laugh Uncontrollably!!

   ..The big bad wolf tells little red riding hood to suck his d*ck. She says... "Look f*cker! stick with the story, You're supposed to eat ME!"

   :: The Twilight saga - it's like Star Wars for chicks ;)

   What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin...