Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because you haven’t met the right person doesn’t mean that you will.

   The awkward moment when your laughing at a joke then you realise its about you

   • There is nothing more pleasing than seeing a couple that are always posting sickly messages to each, finally break up on facebook.

   If I were a midget I would so score candy on Halloween

   I love the phrase "we're expecting" when talking about pregnancy, because it makes it sound like there's more than one outcome - "Yeah, we're expecting a baby.......... but it could very well be a Tyrannosaurus Rex"

   In other birthday news, Cory Hart turns 50. He now wears his bifocals at night.

   "THIS, IS, SPARTA!" "Grandma, please stop kicking the dog down the stairs..."

   Detroit Lions players mock Tim Tebow in blowout win Sunday. Tim Tebow responded with; At least I don't wake up in Detroit.

   Chinese Eye Emotions: sad (- -) happy (- -) angry (- -)

   Rosie O'Donnell has just come forward to admit that Herman Cain tried to grab her genitals nearly 15 years ago. She said he stopped when he reached her beanbag.

   Celebrities walk on the red carpet because they're famous, I walk on toilet paper cuz I'm the sh**!

   NY Yankees salary.$195,998,004 Detroit Tigers salary. $119,276,000...... Saving $76,000,000 and still sweeping the Yankees....Priceless!!!

   I made up a new drinking/card game. Its very simple to play, you simply draw a card and if its black you take a shot. Oh yeah, I call it Ferguson.

   Another beheading; I slam is truly the religion of ignorant cowards.

   Want to have some fun with your kids? Next time you're driving with them and you see a dead Deer on the side of the road say "Uh oh! Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

   Wanna feel old? In about 6years it will be the roaring 20s again

   Jesus take the wheel ~ Mexicans stripping a car

   My wife keeps tapping on the window saying..."look, it's snowing"....if she keeps it up, I suppose am gonna have to let her in.....!!

   Teens moms, calling yourself a mother because you gave birth is like calling me a doctor, because I own Band-aids.

   I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It's fun."