Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chinese Eye Emotions: sad (- -) happy (- -) angry (- -)

   Rosie O'Donnell has just come forward to admit that Herman Cain tried to grab her genitals nearly 15 years ago. She said he stopped when he reached her beanbag.

   "THIS, IS, SPARTA!" "Grandma, please stop kicking the dog down the stairs..."

   Celebrities walk on the red carpet because they're famous, I walk on toilet paper cuz I'm the sh**!

   NY Yankees salary.$195,998,004 Detroit Tigers salary. $119,276,000...... Saving $76,000,000 and still sweeping the Yankees....Priceless!!!

   I made up a new drinking/card game. Its very simple to play, you simply draw a card and if its black you take a shot. Oh yeah, I call it Ferguson.

   Another beheading; I slam is truly the religion of ignorant cowards.

   Want to have some fun with your kids? Next time you're driving with them and you see a dead Deer on the side of the road say "Uh oh! Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

   Wanna feel old? In about 6years it will be the roaring 20s again

   Jesus take the wheel ~ Mexicans stripping a car

   My wife keeps tapping on the window saying..."look, it's snowing"....if she keeps it up, I suppose am gonna have to let her in.....!!

   Teens moms, calling yourself a mother because you gave birth is like calling me a doctor, because I own Band-aids.

   I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It's fun."

   Got a job at Bed, Bath, & Beyond. I start tomorrow. In the Beyond department.

   I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die." I'm surprised "yell for help" didn't make the list.

   The best way to end a conversation is by raising both middle fingers.

   I may be reading too much into this, but I'm pretty sure this girl I met is stalking me... I saw her google my name last night through my binoculars.. I nearly fell out of the tree!!

   If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out

   My ex told me "You don't take our relationship seriously anymore its over." "Finish your sentence, over." I giggled into my pretend walkie talkie.

   Never critisize your wife's judgment. . . .look who she married