Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   PMS - (Pre Monday Syndrome)

   There are female hormones in beer. You gain weight, talk too much and can't drive.

   my two buddies walked into a bar, but I ducked

   There's always a little truth behind every "just kidding", a little knowledge behind every "I don't know", a little emotion behind every "I don't care", and a little pain behind every "It's okay"!

   ~ A man went to see a psychiatrist, wearing only Gladwrap shorts. The shrink said, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".

   Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

   says my wife just accused me of being self-centered.... I nearly fell off my throne!

   Sometimes I wonder.."Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?"...and then it hits me.....

   this message changes to Spanish as soon as you look away.

   I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.

   Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

   The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

   I found out where the Terminator Action Figures are sold at Wal-mart. Aisle B, back.

   Just because you haven’t met the right person doesn’t mean that you will.

   The awkward moment when your laughing at a joke then you realise its about you

   • There is nothing more pleasing than seeing a couple that are always posting sickly messages to each, finally break up on facebook.

   If I were a midget I would so score candy on Halloween

   In other birthday news, Cory Hart turns 50. He now wears his bifocals at night.

   I love the phrase "we're expecting" when talking about pregnancy, because it makes it sound like there's more than one outcome - "Yeah, we're expecting a baby.......... but it could very well be a Tyrannosaurus Rex"

   Detroit Lions players mock Tim Tebow in blowout win Sunday. Tim Tebow responded with; At least I don't wake up in Detroit.