Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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managed healthcare by an obsese surgeon general, passed by a Congress that has not read it, signed by a President that smokes, administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay taxes and financed by a country that is broke? What could go wrong? 
A conservative, a moderate and a liberal walk into a bar. And the bartender says "Hi Mitt!"
Aren't we all supposed to die next month or is that cancelled?
Tampon makers have announced that they will be replacing their tampon string with tinsel. They'll only be available for the Christmas period.
What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera? Phil Ming
There's always a little truth behind every "just kidding", a little knowledge behind every "I don't know", a little emotion behind every "I don't care", and a little pain behind every "It's okay"!
~ A man went to see a psychiatrist, wearing only Gladwrap shorts. The shrink said, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.
There are female hormones in beer. You gain weight, talk too much and can't drive.
my two buddies walked into a bar, but I ducked
says my wife just accused me of being self-centered.... I nearly fell off my throne!
Sometimes I wonder.."Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?"...and then it hits me.....
this message changes to Spanish as soon as you look away.
since when the hell did the price of apples and razors go up? geez!
MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!!! The fact that you have a "Baby on Board" sign in your back window does not exempt you from getting your ass rammed if you insist on driving 55mph in the left lane...regardless of the posted speed. You have been warned.
PMS - (Pre Monday Syndrome)
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I found out where the Terminator Action Figures are sold at Wal-mart. Aisle B, back. 