Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anything related to Halloween doesn't scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising

   McDonald's is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It's nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they're like, 'Cool! I made this.'

   I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio.

   The rules were already broken when I got here.

   I don't know how anybody gets attacked by sharks...As soon as I heard that first, "Dun, Dun." I'd be out of there.

   Today I shall rise to the occasion and be magnificent. I shall conquer all tasks set before me and not falter in my diligence to fulfill my duties with honor....haha, just kidding.

   I may look calm, but in my head I've punched you in the face 3 times!

   If I win the lottery, all of my neighbors are going to be rich!!! I'm going to move to a rich neighborhood!

   There's a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it's usually a prescription.

   My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.

   Never mistake my silence for weakness. Always remember, no smart person plans a murder out loud.

   How come we live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors & furniture polish is made from real lemons?

   Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.

   The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word "facial" is used.

   Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it's on.

   I wish "you dumbass" was an appropriate way to end a work email

   Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.

   New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.

   I hope all you moms out there had a great Mother's Day! (If you're not a mom but would like to be, message me for details)

   The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I'm done picking my nose, I'm gonna smile and wave.