Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "MOM, WE'RE OUT OF TAMPONS!!" - Justin Bieber

   schools are back in session. Remember if you study hard enough there will still be no jobs when you graduate.

   just seen an illegal mexican boy get into a van with a pedophile. talk about alien vs predator

   Its already too late for some of you ladies to find Mr Right and I would advise you to just settle for Mr. What's Left or you will die alone.

   More than 90 percent of all relationships end while the girl is on her period

   The world would be a much cleaner place if we just gave blind people brooms instead of canes.

   Women are actually the biggest A$$holes.First they call you a ''Player" if you speak to other women then if you don't you're not a 'challenge and they call you "boring''.

   contemplating doing a combination of christmas and easter, wrap the gifts, then hide them all over the house, voila...Christer!!!

   There is a difference between a porn stash and a porn 'stache.

   My hamster died today. He fell asleep at the wheel...

   There's always a truth behind "JUST KIDDING", a little emotion behind "I DON'T CARE", a little pain behind "IT'S OKAY", a little "I NEED U" behind "LEAVE ME ALONE

   Why yes Officer...I did see the speed limit sign...I just didn't see your car...

   kids are like farts, I can barely stand my own let alone other peoples

   managed healthcare by an obsese surgeon general, passed by a Congress that has not read it, signed by a President that smokes, administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay taxes and financed by a country that is broke? What could go wrong?

   A conservative, a moderate and a liberal walk into a bar. And the bartender says "Hi Mitt!"

   Aren't we all supposed to die next month or is that cancelled?

   Tampon makers have announced that they will be replacing their tampon string with tinsel. They'll only be available for the Christmas period.

   What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera? Phil Ming

   since when the hell did the price of apples and razors go up? geez!

   MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!!! The fact that you have a "Baby on Board" sign in your back window does not exempt you from getting your ass rammed if you insist on driving 55mph in the left lane...regardless of the posted speed. You have been warned.