Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer: "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

   Now remember, what happens in Vegas stays, in Vegas... Except herpes, that will come back with you.

   People who are, "Just sayin'" should try, "Just shutting the f**k up."

   I hope that the three brothers who kidnapped and held those girls for so long suffer immensely for the rest of their lives in prison.

   China into Taiwan next. You heard it here first.

   I expect all atheists to be at work bright and early tomorrow...

   search "google gravity" and then click "I'm feeling lucky"!!! :)

   National Atheist's Day April 1st

   Here is a episode for mythbusters------do fat chicks really give better head

   The big bag of Halloween candy has already been opened. The outcome does not look good for trick or treaters on Sunday.

   I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He said "I don't know." I replied "I'm not coming in this morning"

   Did the shooting happen at westboro baptist church by any chance?

   US soldier accused of Kiling 16 Afghans ....Well damn bring these troops home...they're stressed the fu*k out!

   I lost a friend overnight, It was very sudden. There must be a reason, but I can't for the life of me think what it might be. Now they're gone. Yesterday I had 583 friends, now only 582 I hope everyone reads this far before they say "sorry for your loss"

   I'm sorry, did someone say something about global warming? Let me remove my 3 extra layers of clothes, hat, gloves, scarf, longjohns, and earmuffs, and get comfortable under my electric blanket and then you can tell me about it.

   Thinks it's funny to watch people who drive Hummers, swerve to avoid potholes

   Bill Cosby loves pudding. Yeah, pudding his schlong where it don't belong!

   If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?

   Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.

   Roses are red violets are blue, porn hub is down. So your mother's Facebook will do