Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here is a episode for mythbusters------do fat chicks really give better head

   The big bag of Halloween candy has already been opened. The outcome does not look good for trick or treaters on Sunday.

   I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He said "I don't know." I replied "I'm not coming in this morning"

   Did the shooting happen at westboro baptist church by any chance?

   US soldier accused of Kiling 16 Afghans ....Well damn bring these troops home...they're stressed the fu*k out!

   I lost a friend overnight, It was very sudden. There must be a reason, but I can't for the life of me think what it might be. Now they're gone. Yesterday I had 583 friends, now only 582 I hope everyone reads this far before they say "sorry for your loss"

   I'm sorry, did someone say something about global warming? Let me remove my 3 extra layers of clothes, hat, gloves, scarf, longjohns, and earmuffs, and get comfortable under my electric blanket and then you can tell me about it.

   Thinks it's funny to watch people who drive Hummers, swerve to avoid potholes

   Bill Cosby loves pudding. Yeah, pudding his schlong where it don't belong!

   If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?

   Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.

   Roses are red violets are blue, porn hub is down. So your mother's Facebook will do

   Last week the people who wanted to delay Obamacare were called legislative arsonists and terrorists who were holding the country hostage. This week they’re called Democrats

   I'm thinking Dr. Murray will probably get a harsher sentence since Michael Jackson was white at the time of his death......just saying

   enought with your mama jokes already. Time for a daddy joke...Your daddy so ugly....he had to resort to doing it with your mama!

   "Do you know why I pulled you over today?" Umm... was it so I could answer your damn riddles? Officer, you know perfectly well what I did. Let's get this done so I can get back to being late for work.

   A blind man walks into a shop with his dog. Suddenly,the man picks up the dog by the tail and swings it around his head. The horrified shopkeeper asks "Excuse me,sir?? Can I help you?". Blind man says "No thanks. Just having a look around."

   Hold me close, young Tony Danza. Old school Elton John. Never gets old.

   proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

   - I got stopped by a woman in the street today.... She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?" I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now."........