Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I confine my exercise to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck.

   Apparently it's green week. In an effort to contribute, I just created a save electricity sign: "Don't you hate it when someone turns you on, and then just leaves?"

   Wait, Miley Cyrus has been 18 for only a week, and there's already naked pictures of her? Somebody might be beating Lindsay to porn.

   I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge

   My wife and I found each other on a dating website, 3 years after we got married... That was awkward.

   I had no idea Baltimore had won any type of championship!!!!

   Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

   A lot of capes at the hair salon. Hard to tell who's a superhero and who's not

   I saw that veterans got a free meal at Golden Corral on Veterans Day. Why?... Haven't those poor guys been through enough?

   My life coach just told me to fake an injury

   The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first cup of coffee for the day.

   If you always have to be right, then that's the first thing wrong with you.

   Spring makes every day feel like you're stuck in the office on a Friday afternoon.

   Came home Friday with flowers for the missus. When I handed them to her she replied, "Great. Now I have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air." Obviously confused I asked, "Why? Don't we have any vases?

   33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands... 67% of pets say this crazy lady won't shut the hell up...

   Hitch hikers don't find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by.

   if I had a time machine I would stop O.J. Simpson from killing those people then nobody would know what a Kardashian is

   Thank you guys for the birthday wishes. And thank you Facebook for reminding them.

   Dear Terrorist, I don't get why you kill people in the name of God. If God wanted to take someone's life, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be asking for your help.

   Okay, can someone please invent the opposite of a microwave. I need my beer cold, now. And no, the freezer is not fast enough.