Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Still no Fathers Day card from my kids. Just because they are short, furry and talk funny is no excuse....it's hard being a single father.

   screw Social Security and the national debt. Clemens lying to Congress about steroids is waaaay more important!!

   Found out at lunch today that apparently, it's rude if you honk your order in Morse code to the drive-thru attendant at McDonald's.......

   If they don't care, neither should you. It's that simple.

   Hollister should offer complimentary gas masks and ear plugs when you walk in the store.

   Took a career aptitude test. My results: sports team mascot, bridge troll, sign twirler, petting zoo sh!t shoveler.

   Grandma turned 84 today,Hope she like's the push up bra I got her.

   Yard sales: When you want people to pay for your garbage!

   Considering renting out my services to people who need awkward situations made awkwarder.

   When those 3 phonecalls a day turn into a couple of text messages a week #DownHillRelationship

   Lindsay Lohan...on the next Dog the Bounty Hunter?

   All kids are gifted; some just open their packages earlier than others.

   Why buy the cow when you can get the milk free? 'Cause you get what you pay for, that's why.

   it really Women's day and Fat Tuesday on the same day?

   It's going to be weird still checking Facebook when I'm 70.

   People you may know = People I'm ignoring & already know

   Armored dog aided Navy SEALs. Somehow, “good dog” doesn't seem enough.

   "Cushion for the Pushin", embrace the Curves...

   Every man should have a wife - preferably his own!

   You don't have to get well soon. Take your sweet time.