Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   won't be able to spend Valentine's Day with the love of his life who keeps him warm, cosy and protected!!! I'm sorry bed but I'll be cheating on you with that b^tçh mistress of mine I call work.

   I don't like war either but let's all admit that peace has way fewer cool explosions.

   When those 3 phonecalls a day turn into a couple of text messages a week #DownHillRelationship

   Lindsay Lohan...on the next Dog the Bounty Hunter?

   All kids are gifted; some just open their packages earlier than others.

   Why buy the cow when you can get the milk free? 'Cause you get what you pay for, that's why.

   it really Women's day and Fat Tuesday on the same day?

   It's going to be weird still checking Facebook when I'm 70.

   People you may know = People I'm ignoring & already know

   Armored dog aided Navy SEALs. Somehow, “good dog” doesn't seem enough.

   "Cushion for the Pushin", embrace the Curves...

   Every man should have a wife - preferably his own!

   You don't have to get well soon. Take your sweet time.

   I can memorize twenty song lyrics before I can memorize one answer to a question on a test -_-

   Oh I'm sorry, did you say something? I tend to go deaf when I'm in the presence of bullsh!t.

   I will start watching Big Brother when they let Amanda Knox move in.

   What kind of jerk would put a cat in a bag? I'm just so relieved it's out.

   Science Schmience. I think they've got it backwards. Birds don't fly south for the winter, they fly north for the summer. Nyah!

   Watching Nat geographic channel all day, I now know how not to smuggle drugs across our border and how to Breakout of jail if I'm locked up abroad.

   I think things did not work out between us because we both loved the same person; I loved you and you loved yourself.