Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "When you put a Sea-shell up to your ear, you can hear the ocean" ..... Duh! Hey Dumb a$$, why don't you drop the shell that you just picked up off the beach and turn around? *tada* there's the ocean......Shhhhhhhh.......now listen.

   Its a pity Gadhafi died without revealing' where he bought all those cool sunglasses....smh

   You know your ass is ugly when you're the one always asked to take the photo

   My hometown is great for sightseeing if you want to see the People of Walmart in their natural habitat.

   I'll never forget what you did to me, but I'll never let you know I remember.

   I'm gonna try setting up Occupy Wall Street signs at the local theater in hopes that police will arrest all the Twilight nuts camping out...

   if love is blind, then letting go is like taking off the blindfold.

   If I give you a straw, will you go suck the fun outta someone elses life?!

   won't be able to spend Valentine's Day with the love of his life who keeps him warm, cosy and protected!!! I'm sorry bed but I'll be cheating on you with that b^tçh mistress of mine I call work.

   I don't like war either but let's all admit that peace has way fewer cool explosions.

   would it kill em to put a freakin superball in the lucky charms box?

   thinks my three “uh huhs” in a row should prove that I haven't heard a word you said!

   What do you give the man that has everything?'' ''Normally the middle finger, sometimes both...

   Christmas is a good time to realize that not all your family are relatives, and not all your relatives are family.

   Screw a designated driver. I need a designated liver.

   I love reading Facebook drama, people go so hard behind that keyboard!

   Honey, do you remember those days when we first met and you'd wake up and leave for a few days? Those were some GOOD times huh.....right.......hello? What did I say now?

   My grandson just told me that walking to school uphill both ways when I was a kid sounds odd, & I should have found an alternative route on my GPS..

   Can we apply the first rule of Fight Club to everything and maybe you just don't talk?

   doesn't really understand the big deal about walking a tightrope across Niagara Falls. I've been married for 14 years, try walking that tightrope Wallenda!