Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

   Dear My Head, Please start doing your job and kindly remove yourself from My Ass. And while ur down there please tell my liver I'm sorry. Thank you.

   Facebook should have a ”no one cares” button

   I don't care what my boss says, according to this fortune cookie I will soon get a promotion at work.

   Vegetarians - My food sh**ts on your food........

   Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,you can be pretty sure they're not using it.

   thanks his mum for teaching him TIME TRAVEL as a kid. She would always say: "straighten up or I'll knock you into next week!"

   Women say looks don't matter and all they want is a guy who is smart and funny. But all they end up doing is laughing at whatever the stupid good looking guy says.

   If "Twitter" wasn't such a lame name, and if it wasn't called "tweeting", I'd probably be into it.

   thinks if I ever get put in jail and sentenced to death - my last meal is going to be a McRib and a Shamrock Shake - that should buy me some time cause they are never available at the same time.

   If it isn't less than I'm doing right now, then it's hardly the least I can do.

   Why do I happen to wear black when I'm eating powdered donuts. Dammit.

   You will never understand people, just understand that.

   Dude... "Who else would put up with me?" is not a good compliment to give your girlfriend.

   My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

   word is that Tigers sponsors are not going to drop him. Who would with the slogans "Just do it " and "Is it in you?"

   Damn you Hostess Snacks. For your hard to open wrapper prevents me from successfully obtaining the delicious content within

   needing help with his Margaritaville "Bar Raising". I still need a lost shaker of salt, Mexican cutie and a flip-flop repair kit. Thanks Guys. If I don't get this done I know it's my own damn fault...

   had a flying dream last night!  It was awesome, I felt just like a bird so I pooped on someone's car!

   You can cross my mind, run through it, play in it, bounce across it, dance in it. There is alot of room in there...